Ron's A Loser!
by Lyrix
Summary: PreHBP. Prophecies! Sex Gods! Unicorns! Mystery and Suspense! Ridiculous Couples! And oh my GOD, an update! A NEW CHAPTER, OMGZ!
1. Ron's A Loser!

**Disclaimer: I do not own HARRY POTTER or anything else in this fic. I am not making any money off of this bit of idiocy. Please do not sue me.**

A/N: Hello all, 'tis I, Lyrix. I've not been here in a while. But, I decided to write this because ... I was bored and waiting for the release of HBP. But as this was written before HBP's release and this story is taking place in Harry's seventh year, there are some things (major things) that are different. Yo. Like... well, I won't spoil the book (or my story, hee hee) for you. But things are different. Yup. So, please, read and review if you like it. And read and review if you don't like it. Because I like reviews.  
Edit: 4 - 18 - 08 I'm editing my chapters, trying to fix any little errors I missed when I first posted them. Soooo. That's about it.

**Chapter 1: Ron's A Loser!**

"I'm so unappreciated!" Ronald Weasley was moaning woefully. Again. Because he's such a goddamn sissy boy. "Nobody loves me!" He wiped his face with his sleeve (Molly would be displeased) and continued his pitiful moaning. Even though no one else was around to hear him. Even good ol' Peeves had tired of the boy's constant self-pitying idiocy.  
(Remember Peeves? The poltergeist? The one that was cruelly cut out of the movies? No? Me neither.)

"Everyone takes me for granted. I'm important, damn it, I have value! I'm more than just Harry's stupid sidekick! I'M SO MUCH MORE! I'm funny! I have more words in my vocabulary than 'wicked' and 'brilliant'! See, I just used the word 'vocabulary'! No one else can use so many exclamation points where they're not needed! Sometimes I say deep and meaningful things like -" He stopped and tried **really** hard to remember one time that he'd said something deep and meaningful.  
And, shallow nincompoop that he is, he couldn't think of a damn thing.  
He started to cry and wail.

"At least I'm… I'M A STRATEGIST! I ROCK AT CHESS!" He sniffled. "I'm more than a boy who's afraid of spiders! I'm a really horny seventeen year old virgin!" He cried even harder. "I'M IMPORTANT, DAMN IT!"

**Meanwhile in the Great Hall:**

"Hermione, where's … uhm…"  
Two full minutes go by, during which an owl flies in and lands on Snape's head. Professor McGonagall points and laughs. Snape, is, obviously, pissed.

"Ron, Harry. The boy with red hair is RON." (Second time they'd been through this today).

"Yeah! Him! Sometimes I forget, you know?"

Hermione knew. Oh, how she knew… Wait, idiot boy with the scar was still talking.

"But it's okay, because no matter how incredibly dumb, forgetful, or oblivious I am, and no matter how many people are killed because of me, everyone will keep on loving and worshipping me because I'm Harry James Potter! I'm the boy who lived and kept living! And, let's face it, people are stupid."

Hermione was astonished. This had been the most intelligent thing Harry had ever said in all the seven years she'd known him.

"You know, Harry, I think you're right. And that makes my hope for the human race die. Just a little."

"Huh? Whatever. Hey, Hermione? Where's uh…"

'Idiot.' "Ron. Where is **Ron**?"

"Who's Ron?" Harry looked like a lost puppy.  
Hermione resisted the urge to "Avada Kedavra" him into oblivion, because it'd probably backfire. You know, he was protected by his mother's blah blah blah. She settled on saying something mean because he wouldn't remember anyway.

"Oh do shut up, you utter waste of life."

"Hmm?"

"You know, suddenly, I'm not hungry."

"Okay?"

She left. In a huff. Whatever the hell a "huff" is. Hee hee, "huff."

"Hee hee," laughed Harry. "Hee hee."

**Meanwhile, somewhere not far from the Gryffindor tower:**

Ron had decided to do something to change the way people saw him.

"I've decided," said Ron (to no one in particular) "to become a cutter!"  
He paused, smiling at his genius.

"When people find out, they'll feel so badly about pushing me to such a sorry state that they'll … uh … love me!"

He skipped away to the tower, insulted the fat lady, snickered, pointed at her while she cried, twirled about (he's very light on his feet you know), threw his wand at the fat lady, watched her as she cried harder, said, "I hate you, fat lady", giggled as she cried even harder, picked up his wand, SCREAMED the password in the sobbing fat lady's face, hit his head diving into the portrait hole, hoped he'd get a cool bunny-shaped scar (that'd show Harry Poopypants!), cried a little, made a spooky face at a group of first years, got flipped off by said first years, ran up to his dorm, jumped into bed, pulled out his handy quill, and got out an old, leather-bound journal with the name "Ronald W." embossed on its front cover in gold, all pretty-like.  
He wrote:

"Hello journal formerly belonging to Ronald Withershins. Today was a pretty day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing. And best of all, the giant squid almost drowned the Creevey brothers! I was so happy. But they got away. TT  
So, on my mope tonight, I wailed and moaned about being a complete loser, when suddenly I thought of something AMAZING! I've come up with the perfect plan to get people to pity me! I mean, love me. I'm going to become … a CUTTER!  
Yes, I know, I'm so smart.  
Ronald Bilius Weasley"

"Psst! Ron!"

"Is that you, God?" Ron was excited. God had never spoken to **him** before!

"No, stupid. Look out the window."

"Okay." He looked. "AUGH! ARAGOG!"

"Hee hee. I'm here to say you suck. Loser." Aragog was pleased with himself.

"I hate you, you blind eight legged thing!"

"Don't care. I'm not a virgin."

He had a point.  
Then with one last giggle, Aragog scuttled away, into the darkness.  
SPOOKY!

**Meanwhile, in the 7th year girls' dorm:**

Hermione was trying to re-read _Hogwarts: A History._ Again. But she couldn't concentrate. Something was distracting her! It was –

Her "STUPID IDEA DETECTOR!" (S.I.D. for short, yo.) And it was going haywire.

"Damn it, why do I have to be surrounded by morons who can't come up with any good ideas? Ideas that might actually (God forbid!) work?"

A heavy book sailed through the air and hit her in the face.

"Hermione! I am sick of you talking to yourself!" Said the angry book-thrower. "I've lived with it for seven years, but no longer! Keep your thoughts to yourself, none of us are interested." Who knew Lavender Brown was such a meany?

"Yeah! Hearing your voice while I'm trying to get myself off is sooo annoying." Ah, good ol' Parvati, always such a lady.

"Yeah, what a crazy-head."  
Huh? Are there more seventh year Gryffindor girls?

"If there are, they aren't important enough to say anything."  
Then who are you?

"I'm … Seamus Finnigan! I'm the school's resident **Irish** sex god! I'm known to all as the sexiest Irish man-slut to have graced these halls since they were first built! I'm a fucking legend! (Pun definitely intended.)"

Yes, that's all well and good, but how did you get in here? This is the girl's dormitory. Guys can't come in. The stairs turn into a slidy thing and what not.

"Yes, but you see, I'm not really a main character."

What's that got to do with anything?

"Well, since I'm a somewhat obscure, mysterious (and sexy) character, and since this is a silly fanfic, I can get away with it. The rules don't apply to me!"

You're right! Now, stop talking, and back to the shadows with you! You'll be more mysterious that way. Ahem. Parvati and Lavender (and the other 7th year Gryffindor girls that may or may not exist) had given Hermione what for! But 'twas all in vain! She'd been knocked unconscious by the book thrown by our lovely Miss Lavender.  
Seamus giggled. Shh, Seamus, shh.

**Meanwhile, somewhere in the dungeons:**

'I think I'm lost… Again.' Harry'd gotten lost on his way to the Gryffindor Tower.

"Hey, Potty."

WEEEE! It's Draco Malfoy! He can send rabid fan girls into squeals and giggles like that (snaps to symbolize amount of time)! He's amazing, and sexy, and droooooool worthy. Oh yes. :blush:

"Uh…" 'Pale. He's really pale. And rodenty. He's a pale lil' rodenty boy… Draco!' "DRACO! I remember you!" Harry smiled. Yay! He remembered someone's name besides Hermione!

Draco was surprised. Surprised like crazy. "Wow. I expected I'd have to introduce myself again :whispers: you moron :ends whisper:."

"Well, Draco, it was nice to see you, but I have to get back to my common room. D'you know where it is?"

"How can the Gryffindors stand you?"

"The whats?"

"Never mind. Anyhow, the Gryffindors dwell in the Gryffindor TOWER. You might not have noticed… but you're kind of in the DUNGEONS."

"So?"

"TOWER. DUNGEONS. Tower equals 'up' and dungeons equal 'down.'"

"Are you going to help me or not?"

"Stupid boy." He sighed. "No. I can't. I don't know the way to the Gryffindor TOWER."

This was a dirty lie. He'd been there many times. In fact, he'd been there earlier that day, doing evil, **evil** things. Like jumping on the furniture in the common room and writing dirty limericks in the ashes in the fireplace then wiping them away while giggling. He liked limericks.

Draco looked up and scowled. He didn't like it that anyone else knew of his evil deeds.

"… Right. As I was saying, Potty, I can't help you. But you can come to the Slytherin common room and spend the night there."

"Really?" Harry was happy.

Draco was laughing inside.

"No, you moron! Now, get out of my sight, you utter waste of life." He strolled away with a spring in his step, whistling some silly song.

Fine! He was whistling NSYNC's "Bye Bye Bye." (Guilty pleasure, you know? Shh! Don't tell!)

Harry was concentrating. It looked very hard. He was trying to remember something. "Utter waste of…" He kept thinking… He was stwaining his poow widdew bwain. And then he looked up. "What am I doing here?" He decided the answer to that question was not important, and he fell asleep on the cold stone floor.

**Suddenly**, he was in his bed, with a teddy bear named "Stoopid." Hermione'd sent him Stoopid over the summer for his birthday. She said she'd named him after Harry. He giggled in his sleep. 'Stoopid doesn't sound anything like Harry!'

Dobby, who'd been the one who found Harry in the dungeons and brought him to his room, sighed in disgust. And then he grabbed a random object from Harry's nightstand…

And proceeded to beat Harry senseless with it. And then he ran off to find Winky so they could get drunk together and put on socks.


	2. Ron's Idiocy and MORE!

**Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter or … anything really. Not profiting from this. Don't sue me.**

A/N: Hey! I'm back! With a chapter! Yay! And to **sushified** my lone reviewer, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Because I enjoyed writing it. Now! On with the story!

**Chapter 2: Ron's Idiocy and MORE!**

**The next day:**  
Harry and Hermione woke with splitting headaches.  
Ron hadn't slept at all, and had seen Dobby beating Harry senseless, and had laughed about it. But only a little, because he was watching for creepy crawly eight-legged lil' bastards.

Seamus Finnigan woke up, stretched, yawned, and said, "This chapter's getting boring. Let's get to Ron's idiocy!"

Ah, wise Seamus, of course. Why is Seamus the only one who's aware of what's happening?

"Nuh uh!" Draco crawled into the room. "I know too! Do I get a cookie?" He looked so hopeful…

No. You get MORE! Sooo much mooore!

"When will I be getting this 'MORE'?"

Soon, soon, it'll be amazing. Much better than any cookie.

"Cool." Draco stood, straightened his robes, smoothed his hair, flashed a perfect smile, and walked out.

Ron looked put out. "I was hoping he'd jump out the window." He paled considerably. "EEEP! The window! The one with the blind eight-legged beasty!"

Somewhere deep in the Forbidden Forest, Aragog was rolling on the ground laughing. And squishing his children.

**Two hours later:**

Everyone had showered (are there showers in Hogwarts? Yes, I say. Yes.), and the Gryffindors and Slytherins of the 7th year were headed to Potions! Really, this should be Advanced Potions, and far fewer Gryffindors & Slytherins would be heading that way, but that doesn't matter. As I was saying, they were heading to Potions, and no one noticed that a certain gangly, freckly, red haired loser boy was not among them.

The freckly, gangly boy was up in his dormitory, holding a razor blade against his left wrist. He was crying. (Next two sentences are to be read with drippy sarcasm) He cried because he's a little sissy boy who can't even cut his own wrists. What a LOSER, not joining the masses of self-mutilators in the world! I mean, come on!

Peeves flew in and laughed at the pathetic boy before him. "HEE HEE! You pansy ass loser! If you really want to die, just ask. Anyone would be glad to help out." And then, the inhuman nonhuman flew away again.

Ron cried again and shook his fist vigorously in Peeves' general direction.

"BASTARD POLTERGEIST!"

Suddenly, he had a BRILLIANT idea! He'd fake it!

"Yay!" He grabbed his ink, poked his wand at it, and said some silly thing to make it turn red. Then he dipped his quill inside and drew red lines on his wrists. They didn't dry quickly. Stupid slow drying ink. He waited. When they were dry he admired his handy work.  
They kind of looked like bloody cuts, if you squinted and turned your head and barked like a dog.

"This'll fool everyone!" He then ran to his Potions class because he was LATE! Very late indeed! No time to say "hello", goodbye! He's late, he's late, he's –

"Sorry I'm late Professor!" Ron was breathing heavily and sweaty. Eew!

"Fifty points from Gryffindor because you're late, breathing heavily, sweating, ugly, poor, a Gryffindor, I hate you, and I'm just feeling like an asshole today."

'Then what does he feel like every other day?' Thought the whole class.

Ron walked to his seat and sat next to Hermione. Harry was on the other side of Hermione and kept giving Ron confused looks.

'Shit. He doesn't remember my name! AGAIN!"

Hermione's S.I.D. was acting up again. She looked at Ron's exposed wrists.

"Ron." Hermione was looking at him like he was doing something stupid (which he was). "_This_ is what's been making my S.I.D. go crazy! Stop pretending to be a cutter, accept your role as Harry's bitch, and wash your wrists off."

Ron almost cried.

Hermione rolled her eyes.

And then he did cry. A lot.

Because it hurts when your master plan fails miserably.

Hermione was disgusted. "Ron, you're getting on my already worn down nerves."

"I'm sorry! I just want people to think I'm worth something!"  
Snape sensed a perfect opportunity to cause suffering, and so intervened.

"Okay class," he said with a twisted grin, "instead of doing any actual potions work, we'll just tell Mr. Weasley here **exactly** what we think he's worth."

The class made a big circle around Ron, and went around doing something they'd wanted to do since they first met him.

My gran's hat is worth more than you – Neville.  
**You** aren't worth my comments of disdain – Malfoy.  
Your entire family is worth less than the grease in my hair – Snape.  
I don't know your name – Harry.

"Potter's doesn't count, he's a complete idiot." Snape giggled. 'Ha ha, James, ha ha. If you could only see your son now!'

And then it was Hermione's turn.

Ron looked hopeful.

Poor thing.

Hermione, who seemed to be having a perpetual case of PMS, sneered.

Draco's heart fluttered. She sneered like a Malfoy.

You are worthless – Hermione.

Ron cried and ran back to his dorm.

Snape called out after him, "Another fifty points from Gryffindor, you sniveling idiot." Then he destroyed everyone else's happiness. "Now, for the real assignment. We – I mean **you'll** be making a potion that'll do something really neat, but is a bitch to make. So, group up you snot nosed bastards. Ah yes, Potter and Granger. You can work with Malfoy." Normally Snape wouldn't be so cruel to his favorite student, but as the two Gryffindors were missing a third partner, he might as well make them all suffer.

Draco moved to Hermione's side. "Hey Mudblood. You've got a nice sneer." What a twisted compliment.

Hermione was flattered. This was high praise to be sure. "Oh, shut up." She threw a potions ingredient at him.

He laughed.

Harry was confused. "What's going on Hermione?"

Hermione and Draco sneered and then said in unison, "Shut up, you utter waste of life." They looked at each other and laughed.  
Really hard.

Harry giggled a little. He really didn't know what was going on.

Snape waved his wand. Which caused a diagram to appear on the wall.

"The potion we – I mean **you'll** be making today is the Harry Potter Killin' Potion." Snape pointed at the diagram with a happy smile on his face. "See? This is Potter, and then… This is him dead." He sighed a little. So happy was he. He waved his wand, and the diagram was replaced by a list of ingredients and directions. "Now, get to work! This potion won't make itself, you know? And Potter really needs to die. :giggle: I can't wait! I know you're probably all wondering why we can't just 'Avada Kedavra' him into oblivion, but it's because his sexy mother blah blah blah. So you see why this potion needs to be made?"

"Yes, Professor. And we're done now. Can we give it to Potter?"

The class was entirely too excited about killing a fellow student.

"Yes! The moment has come at last!" Snape took a deep breath, relishing his victory. "Granger, would you like to say any parting words to your," he sneered, "friend?"

"Yes, sir." Hermione looked at Harry. "Harry, the only reason I've stuck around with you for so long is because Dumbledore, that omniscient, twinkling bastard, threatened to skin me alive and do dirty things in front of me if I didn't. But now that you're going to be dead soon, I guess I'm free. I'll finally be able to study in peace, and not have to worry about your constant idiocy getting me killed. I hate you. Stupid."

"But Hermione!" Harry was having a moment of … not stupidness! "I can't die yet! I have to kill Voldemort!"

"You MORON! WE ALREADY KILLED HIM! TWO MONTHS AGO!"

"Oh."

Snape chuckled. "Would you like to have a turn, Draco?"

"Of course. Potty, if I were gay, I'd rather be with Ron than you. I do know the way to the Gryffindor Tower. I've had sex more than you've masturbated – "

Harry rolled his eyes. "Suuuuure."

"I have, I've been keeping track. Where was I? Ah, yes. I've always been better looking than you. Cho Chang was a lousy lay, and Ginny wasn't much better. Oh, and Ginny hated it when you called her 'Gin' last year. Honestly man, who shortens a nickname? Oh, and as I've been entranced by her sneer, I expect I'll be bedding Hermione next, so think about that, you virginal pea brain."

"What?"

Draco grinned.

Snape's grin was bigger. It was **his** turn.

"Potter, I hate you. I've always hated you, as I've hated your father, and I will continue to do so. Even so, you have become a source of great amusement, and I take great pleasure in imagining the spiritual ass-kicking you'll get from your father and Sirius once you're dead, you imbecile. The only good thing about you is that you'll be dead soon. Which isn't even really a good thing, because I'd like to take my time killing you. But Dumbledore says it's best to kill you quickly. Anyhow, if, by some freak accident, you end up in Heaven, do tell your mother I say 'hi.'"

Snape laughed in Harry's face.

Draco smirked.

Hermione gave Harry the potion.

Harry… Almost died.  
No! Snape was furious! 'Argh! Lily, you loving (and sexy!) creature! I'm shaking my fist vigorously, even though I love you!'

Ron decided he'd be gay tomorrow, and said so to no one in particular.

Peeves flew out from under Ron's bed, down to the Potions classroom, and announced the redhead's new plan.

And then Harry did die. Because he laughed so hard that he couldn't breathe.

Ron felt Harry's soul leaving his body.

"NO!" Ron cried, "Harry! I've… I've KILLED you! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Shut up Ron.


	3. Harry Potter, Floating and Not Stupid!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, and am not making a profit off of this.**

A/N: Hullo all! Another chapter up! Yay! So, I'd like to thank all of my reviewers so far…

**sushified** – I hope you like this chapter as well.

**Sheena Valentine** – Don't worry, more "Is that you God?" fun is coming up. Next chapter though.

**WaterGoddess9** – I love you. And we need to make our T-Shirts soon.

**Chapter 3: Harry Potter, Floating and Not Stupid!**

Harry was floating in the air. He liked floating. It was relaxing. He didn't know where he was, but that didn't bother him. He hardly ever remembered anything anymore. And besides, how could a little thing like that bother him while he was **floating**?

"Harry! Damn it boy, I've been talking for five minutes!" This was followed by a swift kick in Harry's ribs.

"Ow. Hey, who are you?" Harry thought the floating man looked a little familiar. But that was silly – Harry didn't know anyone who floated. Or did he?

The floating man sighed and put his head in his hands.

"Harry, it's me. Sirius Black. Your godfather." He was speaking very slowly.

"Oh. Nice to meet you." Harry kind of remembered this man. He remembered this man sometimes smelled like a wet dog. He looked around. "Odd sort of place, this, isn't it? All the floating… D'you live here?"

"What? No. Yes. What?!" Sirius glared. "Anyhow, you're dead now. I'm here to bring you to … HEAVEN!"

"Yay! Heaven! Do I get to stay?"

"No, you're too stupid. I'm taking you to meet your parents and stuff."

"Parents?"

"You idiot. Follow me."

They floated away. Floaty float float.

Then they arrived in front of the floating Lily and James Potter!

"Harry!" Lily and James were happy to see their son. Kind of. In a way. "We've missed you. We're sorry we couldn't have brought you up to be less of a moron."

"Huh?"

James turned to Sirius. "I hate this. My son's an idiot."

"Yes, I know. Sucks, huh? Try kicking him, it'll make you feel better."

James kicked his son. It did make him feel better!

Lily was floating off with Harry, telling him how much she loves him and blah blah blah.

"Oh! Hey, uhm… Mom? Snape said 'hi.'" Harry was proud he'd remembered something.

Lily blushed. "Oh Snape? Oh… well. I mean… Uhm… Well… Snape's a dirty, greasy perv and I never liked him. He's icky." Yeah. Right.

"Okay."

They kept floating.

All of a sudden they were in front of God! Lily averted her eyes. Harry didn't. His eyes evaporated and he screamed. A lot.

"Oops," said God. He fixed Harry's eyes and turned away so that his shining glory was less intense. "Now, what can I do for you, Harry Potter?"

Harry gasped. "How do you know my name?!" It was like magic!

"Well, you see, young Harry, I'm even more omniscient than Dumbledore. More omniscient, more twinkly, and sometimes, more vague."

"Ah." That explained it.

"My Lord, I humbly request that you make my son… not stupid. And give him life again."

"Okay, but only because you are so full of love, Lily." God is so nice.

"Thank you so much."

Harry was confused. But **suddenly** his haze of stupidity lifted and he was no longer an idiot. He realized where he was, who he was with, and fainted.

I mean, meeting God is a big deal.

He woke up in Snape's classroom. No one had bothered to move his body out.

He cried. He wanted to be dead again. He cried big, angsty tears. All the people he loved were dead! Now he'd have to commit some horribly elaborate and angsty suicide or wait to die of old age, because Voldemort wouldn't be around to do any killing anymore, and the over enthusiastic potions students had fed him all of the potion, which seemed to bring him closest to death.

"Damn it!"

Snape woke in a cold sweat.

'I heard Potter. He sounded less stupid… Is his non-stupid ghost coming back to haunt me?' This was a very real possibility. But, unfortunately for our friend the professor, things were much worse.

Peeves flew into Snape's room (bastard floaty poltergeist…).

"The wee Potter boy is back! Hee hee! He just picked himself up from the dungeon floor and walked out! Hee hee!"

"Shut up, Peeves. Why are you telling me this?"

The little poltergeist shrugged.

"Right. Well, Potter's come back, and less stupid than before… Leave, I want to cry."

Peeves giggled like a little girl and then flew away.

'Curse you! Curse you, Potters! All of you! Stupid Potters… Bastards!'

Snape was upset to say the least.

**The next day:**

Ron got out of bed. Yawned. Remembered that he was going to be gay today, and then remembered Harry was dead. He instantly launched into tearful, angsty wails.

"Oh Harry, why? WHYYYYY?" I mean, if anyone at school was going to kill Harry, shouldn't it have been Ron? I mean, the best friend killing the other best friend, seemed like poetic justice in Ron's mind. Didn't he deserve that much? Ron conveniently forgot that he **had** killed Harry. With laughter!

Neville threw a brand new Remembrall at Ron's head. (The smoke turned red before it bounced off of the wailing boy.)

Seamus laughed a sexy laugh.

Dean huddled in his bed. He was thinking about how his life would change now that Harry was dead. Would he be doomed to a life of obscurity? Completely forgotten and left out of the legend of the boy who lived but was killed by his classmates? Dean knew that his life wasn't as important as Ron's, Neville's, or even Seamus's. Dean only existed to support Harry and his stupid plans. Dean's life had no meaning without Harry.

He cried. Very quietly, because he's not a loser like Ron (who was still wailing about the loss of Harry.)

Seamus giggled. "I think Dean's life has meaning."

Riiiiiiight.

**Suddenly** (!) to everyone's surprise, Harry walked into the dormitory.

"HARRY!" Ron jumped on his formerly dead best friend, remembered he was being gay, and stuck his tongue down Harry's throat.

Ron didn't enjoy it. He almost threw up.

Harry shoved Ron away, and then threw up. When he was done he glared at his "best friend." "You crazy fag boy!" he exclaimed. (See? He had an exclamation point.)

"Sorry, Harry. That was wrong of me. And it was really gross. I guess I'm not cut out for this gay business."

Neville was disgusted.

Seamus laughed so hard he fell out of bed.

Dean was crying with joy. He was no longer doomed to a life of obscurity!

Hermione and Ginny ran into the boys' room, looking severely disgruntled because they'd both been rudely awakened by the boys' noise making.

Hermione saw Harry and groaned. "No, I just killed you yesterday!"

Harry nodded. "Yeah, but I'm back. **And** I'm not stupid."

Hermione wasn't so sure about that second part.

Ginny was giggling. Seamus was blowing her kisses. Ron wanted to hit them both.

"Dean, are you crying again? Sheesh. You are such a pussy." Neville was pissed off with everyone. He had to take it out on someone.

Dean covered his head with his blanket. "I hate you, Neville. I hate you."

"You're just jealous that Longbottom's a more important character than you." This caused Ginny to giggle even harder.

Ah, the giggle inducing Seamus.

Draco crawled out from under Harry's bed.

Harry was confused (a new thing for him in his un-stupid form). "Why were you under my bed?"

"Oh, that? Well, I don't know. One minute I was fleeing from Pansy because I don't want to have sex with her. Quite frankly, she doesn't sneer well enough for me. And the next minute, I was **here** under your bed." He looked down. "And apparently, missing my socks."

Dobby and Winky stuck their heads out from under the bed. Dobby threw an empty butterbeer bottle at Harry's head causing Winky to go into giggling house elf hysterics. Then, the crazy house elves disappeared.

Hermione laughed. "Aaw, cute little house elves."

Everyone looked at her like she was crazy. Everyone except Seamus and Ginny… and Draco. Seamus and Ginny were involved in more interesting activities and couldn't be distracted, and Draco, perv that he is, was sitting by the bed watching. And eating buttered popcorn.

Occasionally he'd throw popcorn at the couple, just to spice things up.

Ron finally saw what was happening. He cried. A lot. Then he grabbed "his" journal and wrote:

"Hello journal. Harry's back. He was dead for a few hours last night. Ginny and Seamus are screwing right now. Draco's watching.  
Why's everyone in my family so slutty?  
Ronald Bilius Weasley"

3 Hours Later:

Seamus and Ginny were still screwing.

Everyone else had showered, dressed, had breakfast, and come back to the boys' room.

Except Draco who hadn't left.

Hermione was bored. Watching people have sex just wasn't her thing. Unless it was two girls… but that's not the point.

"Ginevra!" Hermione was fed up, thus the exclamation.

"Who's Ginevra?" Harry was stumped.

"Does Seamus have another girl in there too?" asked Dean.

"Ginny, short for Ginevra," Ginny managed to say this between screams and moans of pleasure.

"I always thought your name was Virginia." This was said by Draco.

Neville nodded his agreement.

So did Ron.

Seamus didn't say anything. His mouth was full.

**Meanwhile, in the Slytherin common room:**

Crabbe and Goyle were playing chess and having a heated debate about the pros and cons of socialism in Europe.  
Really! They weren't stupid! They just like it when people gossip in front of them. They like knowing things about people.

Pansy Parkinson was lying on the floor, but in her mind she was flyyyying.  
Yup, you guessed it. She was high as a kite.

Blaise Zabini, the beautiful, androgynous he/she (because J.K. Rowling soooo hasn't revealed the secret of Blaise's gender) decided he/she would no longer put up with this "he/she" idiocy anymore. So what did he/she do?

He/she made a badge! (Slytherins are always making badges. It's a very Slytheriny thing to do. Ol' Salazar would be proud.) He/she made a badge that said, "I am a boy."

**He** pinned it to **his** robes. Yes, now everyone would know the truth!

Then **he** skipped out of the common room, **his** long hair trailing after him.

Crabbe and Goyle paused in their debate.  
"That Blaise is a flaming fag."

"I agree."

Pansy just giggled.


	4. Mystery! Suspense! Exclamation Points!

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER.**

A/N: Hmm. People seem to like this. So, to respond to the reviewers:

**LibraHorse**: Well, I hope you think this chapter is as good as the last few. I'll read your fic when I can, although I don't think any advice I can give would be worth anything. Just ask _WaterGoddess9_, I'm horrible with advice.

**HealerAriel**: Thank you, and I can only hope this causes other such giggling fits.

**AustereBlackCat**: It's always nice to hear that I'm funny. Thank you.

Oh! And don't forget to **review**. (Please? Pretty please?)

**Chapter 4: Mystery! Suspense! Exclamation Points!**

Ron was disappointed that both his plans to get people to pity – I mean LOVE – him had failed. So he'd gone up to the astronomy tower to cry. And whine. And wail and mope and lament about his sorry life.

Everyone was happy he was gone.

Harry and Hermione were in the library. Hermione still didn't believe Harry wasn't stupid and so decided to find out herself.

"What is your owl's name?"

"Hedwig."

"How old are you?"

"17."

"What is your deepest ambition?"

"To be a gunfighter of the Old West."

"Who… is Ron?"

"The youngest boy in the disturbingly large Weasley clan."

Hermione nodded. Now, for the hardest question of all!

"How was Voldemort defeated?"

Harry took a deep breath. "Well, one night … Skrewts and flamingos … scuttled … blah blah … secret society …"

The telling took well over three hours.

"And **that** was the end of Voldemort."

Hermione had stopped listening. "Wow. Right. Uhm. Well, I guess I was wrong, you're not stupid after all."

"Thanks Hermione." Harry pulled some candy out of his pocket. "Where's Ron?" he asked before _shoving_ all of the candy in his mouth.

"I don't know. Pissing and moaning about not being appreciated probably."

"Ah. He's so pathetic sometimes." Harry chewed his candy thoughtfully (as if that's even possible).

"Yes." Hermione was a bit irritated. Harry hadn't even offered her any candy. What a jerk.

**Meanwhile:**

Albus Dumbledore was sitting in his office. Twinkling and smiling and being an omniscient old bastard.

His plan was working! Harry was no longer stupid, Hermione was a complete bitch, Draco had lost his mind – Er… Fallen in love, and soon Ron would be dead!

Fortune was smiling on ol' Dumbledore. Wait, no… someone mysterious was smiling at Dumbledore.

"Cheers, our plan is working," said the mysterious person in the shadows.

"What plan, Remus? And what do you mean **our**?"

"I don't know. I'm not even sure why I'm here."

"You're here to add mystery and suspense to the 'plot' (not like this fic has one of those though)," Seamus's voice echoed through the room.

"What was that? Was it God? I didn't know God was Irish."

"God is not Irish you ninny. That was Seamus Finnigan. To be quite honest, I'm surprised he has the strength to speak. He's been quite busy." Dumbledore leaned forward and raised an eyebrow, his eyes twinkling even more. He leaned back, his eyes now at their regular "twinkle level." "Well, now that you've discovered why you're here, dispense with some mystery and suspense."

"Uhm… Nymphadora's pregnant!"

**Dun** **dun** **DUN**!

Lightning flashed! The sky darkened! Mrs. Norris keeled over, dead as a doornail! Argus Filch squealed and grasped his chest before dying too!

Dumbledore was shocked. Perhaps his omniscience only extended throughout Hogwarts! But … that would mean … That would mean he wasn't omniscient at all :GASP: NOOOOO! "Who's the father?"

"I AM!" Three voices yelled out as three men burst into the room.

They were Charlie Weasley, Severus Snape, and Lucius Malfoy :GASP:

"Mr. Weasley," Dumbledore began, "weren't you in Romania? How could you have impregnated Nymphadora?"

"What? Well… Uh… I don't exactly … How did I get here?"

Seamus's voice came once more, "You're a minor character, hardly ever mentioned, not really important at all. Therefore, the author of this fic can do whatever she wants with you. Even make you a possible father of a baby who may or may not exist."

"God? Is that you?" Charlie was surprised. He'd never thought God would have an Irish accent. "I didn't know you were Irish."

"I'm not God."

"Oh."

Dumbledore turned to Snape. "Severus! You and Nymphadora? Honestly!" Dumbledore chuckled.

Actually, Dumbledore chuckled at the thought of Snape with **any** woman.

Severus was highly offended. "Sir, I assure you, I would never consider having physical relations with a member of the 'most noble house of Black.' No offense Lucius."

"None taken." Although he'd married one, Lucius didn't much enjoy the company of the Blacks either.

"Well," said Dumbledore, "that cuts out most of the pure-bloods." He paused. "Tell me, Severus, when was the last time you had sex?"

Snape paled considerably, which was quite a feat since he was already extremely pale from swooping about in the dungeons.

(With the combination of Snape's ultra-pale skin, Lucius's shiny, white-blonde hair, and Dumbledore's excessive twinkling, it was a wonder no one went blind.)

"Sir, I … I… STOP QUESTIONING ME WITH YOUR TWINKLY EYES!" He ran, sobbing, from the room. 'No one can find out about my secret, forbidden love for (insert name of underage muggle-born witch here)!'

Remus was **HOWLING** with laughter and Lucius almost pissed himself laughing so hard.

Dumbledore frowned at the Malfoy. "Lucius, why are you here? Weren't you in prison? Surely **you're** not the father?"

"Actually, there's a funny story behind that whole prison thing… But maybe later. I'm here to tell you I think you suck. And then I'm going to find that worthless son of mine and I'm going to beat him senseless with my cane and laugh." He grinned in anticipation. "As for being the father of Nymphadora's unborn child… No."

"Actually –"

"Not now, Remus." Dumbledore needed to find out who the father was. He paced, and paced, and then stopped pacing. He had the answer! He was sure of it! "I know who it is! Through deductive reasoning, and impressive brainpower, I've come to the conclusion that the father of Nymphadora Tonks's unborn child is none other than the late Sirius Black!" He was very pleased with himself.

Remus was dumbfounded. "What? No! He was her cousin! No. **I'm** the father."

Dumbledore sighed. He'd forgotten about the cousin thing. "Remus, what are you talking about?"

"Well, I'm the father. Nymphadora and I are getting married in a month." He pulled out an invitation and handed it to Dumbledore.

Charlie, Lucius, Dumbledore, and Seamus Finnigan's voice congratulated him heartily.

"Ah! It's late, and I'm running low on chocolate. I'm off." Remus Lupin hurried away.

Charlie didn't like being alone with the deranged Lucius and Dumbledore of the twinkly eyes, and snuck out while they weren't looking.

Lucius swept out of the room in search of his prey. Son! I meant son!

Dumbledore hummed. Then whistled. Then he shoved some lemon drops, a cockroach cluster, a chocolate frog, and an acid pop in his mouth. Yum!

**Meanwhile:**

Ron was still pissing and moaning in the tower.

Harry was sneaking around in his invisibility cloak, as was his habit.

Draco was hiding from his father in the Muggle Studies section of the library while simultaneously sending sexy "come hither" looks at Hermione.

Hermione was studying and couldn't be bothered.

Ginny was cursing her mother for naming her Ginevra. (Not actually cursing, mind you.)

Luna Lovegood was singing "Weasley Is Our King" while she honed her "Avada Kedavra" skills.

Blaise was experimenting with purple eyeliner.

And the teachers were playing "truth or dare" in the Room of Requirement, and every so often a passing student would hear hysterical laughter, small explosions, or strange exclamations like "Severus! Where'd you learn how to use a whip?" or "You really **do** do impressive transfiguration, Minerva!" These exclamations would be followed by loud giggles.

**The next day at breakfast:**

All the teachers at the staff table looked horribly hungover. Because they were.

Harry grinned when Snape turned a peculiar shade of green when the meal appeared. Then he said, "Hermione, I think it's time we did something about Ron."

Ron was crying. He was stuffing his face and tears were streaming down his cheeks.

"You're right, Harry. Let's come up with a plan."

"Why? We could just use 'Avada Kedavra' on him, right?"

"Oh! Well, yes. Sorry, for a long time the only person I wanted to kill was you, and I couldn't use 'Avada Kedavra' on you because your mother blah blah blah, so I always had to come up with elaborate plans to kill you. It's the evil genius/mad scientist inside of me I'm afraid. None of my plans worked though…"

"Yeah, but they were still really good," Harry said sympathetically, "I bet they would've worked great on anyone else." Harry nodded for emphasis.

"Do you really think so?"

Honestly! Couldn't she recognize an emphatic nod when she saw one? Brightest witch in her year… PLEASE!

"Of course. Now, I say we do it tonight."

"Sorry Harry. I'm busy with Draco tonight." She sneered across the Hall at the pale Slytherin, who promptly swooned.

Oh, what a sneer!

Harry gagged. "I meant Ron. We kill Ron tonight."

"Oh, yes, good idea."

Ron was sad. He'd heard every word. It's not like they'd bothered whispering or anything. He tried to get them to see how valuable comic relief is, and made a joke. The three of them laughed. Ha ha.

Harry and Hermione were still going to kill him.

Luna came over, singing "Weasley Is Our King."

"Hullo Luna," said Harry.

"Luna." Hermione not only said that condescendingly, but she also managed the formidable task of looking down her nose at the girl while she was sitting and Luna was standing.

"Hello," said Ron glumly.

"Ronald, I've been thinking about this for a long time, and I'm sorry, but it needs to be done. I know you understand."

"Are you going to kill me, Luna?" Ron knew the answer of course.

"Yes. Good-bye, Ronald. AVADA KEDAVRA!"

A jet of green light shot out from her wand, hitting him on the side of his head.

And so passed Ronald Bilius Weasley, second youngest of the Weasleys.

Dumbledore stood up. "I believe a toast is in order:

To Luna Lovegood, the girl who killed Ron!"

Everyone stood and raised their goblets as they said solemnly, "To Luna!" The students downed their pumpkin juice and cheered wildly, and the professors shut their eyes, and grimaced. Hangovers, what a pain.


	5. The Attack of the MARY SUE!

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Except for my Mary Sue of course. But you can have her.**

A/N: Uh… Well, thank you **WaterGoddess9** for reviewing last chapter. And yes, I did keep in that thing that you wanted. Anyhow, this chapter turned out much better than I'd thought it would… Read and review! Or … wait, yeah, review.

**Chapter 5: The Attack of the Mary Sue! (Or "The Quick Save!")**

Ron was sweating. A lot. This could only mean one thing.

He was in Hell.

He let out a string of such well put together swears it would be enough to make one gasp in admiration. But there was no one to gasp. There was only…

"Well, well, well. We _are_ in trouble."

Ron knew that voice all too well. That was the voice of Argus Filch. "Just my luck, I end up in Hell with you and Mrs. Norris."

Filch's eyes filled with tears. "I don't know where she is… I can't find her!" He sobbed, "Mrs. Norris, where are you?"

He couldn't find her because she was in Heaven. Because she was a good kitty. At that very moment, she was being petted by a happy Lily Potter.

Ron sighed. He needed to find a way to come back to life! He didn't have time for Filch's crying!

Filch was unhappy that Ron was showing such little interest in his sorrow. "Come on, you slug. **He's** requested your presence."

"Who?"

"Come on!"

They strolled past various evil wizards, like Quirrell, Peter Pettigrew, Saruman the Many Colored… Even Voldemort!

Ron looked around. "All they need now is Snape, then they'll have a full set!"

"That's **Professor** Snape to you."

"AUGH!" Ron fell over. He was very surprised to find Snape here. "But you! You're not dead! Are you?" Perhaps Snape really **was** a vampire! And this Snape was his soul, trapped in Hell! How amazing! Ron had finally solved the mystery of –

"Of course I'm not dead, you nincompoop. Didn't I tell you during your very first Potions lesson that I could teach you to stopper death?" Snape held out a little bottle with a stopper in the top. Inside the bottle was a very tiny Grim Reaper, looking very bored indeed as it played cards to pass the time.

Ron's vision was getting distinctly blurrier. His eyes were glazing over again. It happened when he was bored.

Snape didn't notice. "So, Mr. Weasley, someone's finally offed you at last. And it was Miss Lovegood no less! What a **low** blow, to be killed by someone with radish earrings. Hmm. But what should I do with you?"

"What? You can't do anything with me, can you?"

Snape smirked. "But of course I can," he gestured to the area around him, the Weasley, and the creepily silent Filch, "This is **my** domain."

"You! **You're** the devil!"

Oh, cruel fate!

Snape blinked. "Well, no. But that would certainly be impressive. No, actually, this isn't even Hell."

"Really? Could have fooled me." By now Ron was horribly sweaty, and it made him more able to carry on "intelligent" conversations. (He was just good like that.) "What is it then?"

"It's where bad wizards go when they die. Duh."

"But **I'm** not a bad wizard!"

"No, but I requested you specially."

"You're evil."

"Yes, and you're stupid. Fifty points from Gryffindor!"

"But I'm DEAD! Isn't that enough?"

"Hmm. 10 more points from Gryffindor, and 60 to Ravenclaw. Now, I want you to write me an essay of no less than a thousand words, describing to me who you think you are."

"That sounded really familiar…"

Filch spoke up, "That was from that muggle movie The Breakfast Club, that was. I watch it every month."

Snape's deep, dark secret had been revealed! He watched 80's teen movies!

Dun dun DUN!

(Argus Filch almost died. Again. Such revelations were not good for his weak heart.)

Snape sneered. "Fine! Write me an essay of no less than a TRILLION words on how you are a worthless creature. NOW!" He pointed his wand toward a desk with a pile of parchment beside it, ink and a quill on top of it, and an uncomfortable chair before it.

Ron trudged over to the desk and sat down.

'Hell,' he thought, 'couldn't be much worse.'

**Meanwhile, at Hogwarts:**

Hagrid had carted Ron's body off to the potions storeroom. Snape wanted to pickle some of the boy's organs or something else as gruesome. Hagrid was just walking back to his hut, minding his own business, when the ground opened before him and out jumped Professor Snape, muttering about "stupid evil wizards" and "should just kill them again…"

Hagrid looked into the gorge Snape had crawled (completely disregard the "jumped" in the last sentence) out of. He saw several evil wizards shaking their fists at him, and cursing, and making spooky faces before the ground closed again.

"Snape, are you the devil? No wonder people are so afraid of going to hell."

Snape stiffened and brushed some sulfur from his robes. "I'm **not** the devil. Now, Hagrid, kindly forget what you just saw." With that, he skipped away to his room.

Hagrid stood there staring after him.

Because we all know that Hagrid is secretly in love with Snape.

**Later that night:**

Hagrid was still standing in that spot, thinking about his forbidden love.

Snape was cuddling in bed with a teddy bear named "Id E. Ot." It was a gift from Dumbledore. Snape liked Id E. Ot, but couldn't understand why Dumbledore had given him a teddy bear.

As fascinating as this is though, our next plot point occurs in the Gryffindor common room.  
So, without further ado…

Harry and Hermione were trying to fill the gap that Ron had left with another Gryffindor. I mean, they couldn't very well be the "Golden Trio" (when had they ever been called that though? Really, when?) with only the two of them! That'd make them the "Golden Duo," and that just wasn't right. They'd been interviewing their fellow seventh years for hours now, and had just finished with Neville, when Seamus decided to make a suggestion.

"You know," said Seamus, sexily, "now would be the perfect time for a Mary Sue, wouldn't you say?"

Seamus! You're a genius! Good Seamus, good.

**SUDDENLY**, the fabric of the universe stretched, ripped, and mended itself. Icky, disease-carrying pigeons dropped from the sky all over the world, and became happy, magical, disease-carrying swans! Flowers bloomed, angels sang, and the most exquisite, amazing, drop dead gorgeous girl to ever grace the planet stood in the middle of the Gryffindor common room.

Her hair was darker than the darkest black, her eyes were a mesmerizing blue, her skin was the palest white (in a sexy way of course), and her body just screamed "I want to fuck all of you (like animals)". She was everything anyone could ever want: beautiful, intelligent, charming, creative, beautiful, talented, kind, honest, beautiful, brave, witty, and from a far and distant land called… AMERICA! And on top of all that she was bisexual! So, she was fun for the boys **and** girls! Yay!

(Remember kids, when you write to Santa, make sure to tell him you want a MARY SUE.)

How did the Gryffindors know all this when she hadn't even said a single thing? They just knew.

They. Just. Knew.

She stepped forward and introduced herself.

"Hello, my name is Mary Sue. I just transferred here from America, looking for my long lost brother/sister/cousin/aunt/uncle/father/mother/love-interest, and I decided to be in Gryffindor. I'm very pleased to meet you all, and am sure we'll be life-long friends!"

She turned to Harry. "You must be Harry Potter! I've read/heard all about you/ loved you from afar! I know all about you!"

"And you must be Hermione Granger! I've read/heard all about you/loved you from afar as well!" She gave Hermione a heart-stopping smile.

Hermione was unimpressed. And, because she's a bitter, heartless young woman, she "Avada Kedavra'd" Marry Sue's sexy ass.

Mary Sue dropped dead, and disappeared in a puff of pink smoke.

"That sucks." Seamus was clearly disappointed.

Harry and Hermione finally settled on Ginny, because they didn't like their fellow seventh years. Then Hermione ran off to meet Draco.

**The next morning:**

Hermione opened her eyes. "Why am I in the library?" She suddenly realized that she was not only **very** naked, but also not alone.

The memories came flooding back.

"Well, that was enjoyable, but I'll be late for my Defense Against the Dark Arts class if I don't leave soon." As she dressed she wondered when she'd started talking to herself. "Hmm. Oh well." She quickly wrote a note to Draco and ran to her class.

The note said:

"Draco, I had a lovely time, but I'm running late for class. I'll see you around, and we can trade insults.

With all my sneers,

Hermione Jane Granger"

When Draco woke, he read the note and sighed a very girl sigh.

Hermione'd reached her classroom just as her class was shuffling in.

Seamus whispered, "We don't have a teacher."

What?

"You haven't written who's going to teach us!"

Oh! You're quite right. How could I forget?

Well… Since I can't think of anyone at the moment…

"How about – "

Ron's wrist was aching. Really bad. He looked up from his essay (a pitiful three sentences) and saw a door with the word "EXIT" on it in brass letters.

He looked around quickly. Snape wasn't anywhere in sight. He casually put down his quill, got up, stretched, and RAN for the door. He pulled it open, and ran into the potions storeroom. He looked behind him, but the door had vanished! He pulled on the door on the opposite wall, and walked into the potions room.

Upon his entrance, the class of first year Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws groaned loudly.

Snape glared at him, "How dare you!"

"It's not **my** fault you've got an exit in that place!" And Ron ran away, to look for Harry and Hermione.

This had taken the same amount of time as a regular lesson, thus the Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson was over.

Seamus snorted. "Nice save."

Thank you. I do try.


	6. The Slytherin Sex God!

**Disclaimer: Don't own anything. At all. None of it. **

A/N: I'm sorry I haven't been able to update. My computer's broken, and I can't log in on my other one, so ... I'm having WaterGoddess9 upload for me, because she's great! Now to respond to reviews:

**Dance to the RANDOMNESS**: Mary Sues Blegh. I enjoyed killing mine.

**HealerAriel**: Giggle fits are best when accompanied by very fizzy soda. (Not really. It makes bubbles go up your nose.)

**WaterGoddess9**: I'll call you later. You rock.

**Remus'Fiance**: Ah thank you. Thank you. I enjoy people's reviews…makes me giggle on the inside. No one knows that though. Shit…

**Chapter 6: The Slytherin Sex God!**

Severus Snape was angry. No wonder, when you considered how exceptionally shitty his week had been. He had finally gotten rid of Potter and Weasley, and then the two little bastards both came back to life! Snape was no expert (well… yes, actually, he was), but he seriously doubted if two people had ever been brought back to life after they'd been so thoroughly disposed of. Although… They hadn't really been disposed of. Whatever!

Snape glared at his door. But it wasn't the reappearance of the two boys that made his week so horrible. It was Dumbledore's chuckling over his … relationships (or lack thereof) with women. Sure, he was not a "PIMP", "Manslut", or a "Playa" by any standards, but he'd had his share of… drunken … one-night stands. And he was currently involved in a steamy, illegal relationship with (insert name of underage muggle-born witch here).

But that wasn't enough! Severus Snape had to prove to the world that he was not the celibate loser they thought he was.  
However, to do that he'd need some help.  
Which was why he was sitting in his room at four in the afternoon, waiting.

"Sorry I'm late, Professor." His savior had arrived! YES! "I met Blaise in the hall and he insisted I try some of his new 'Hot Pink Kissy Lips Lipgloss' (it makes the boys go wild you know). So, why did you want to see me, sir?"

"Well, Miss Parkinson, I'm in need of your help."

Pansy sighed. She knew what kind of "help" he needed. She "helped" men like Severus a lot. "All right, sir, but can we make this quick? I've promised to … er … 'help' someone else in an hour." She began removing her clothes.

"Miss Parkinson! Stop!"

Pansy slipped her shirt, sweater, and robes back on. She undressed very quickly you know. "Well, sir, what kind of help do you need from me?" She was very curious. And relieved. Mostly relieved, but the curiosity was growing.

"It has come to my attention that you, Miss Parkinson, are…"

"Yes?"

"Don't interrupt me. You are Hogwarts's reigning queen of the bitches, 'ho's (because 'hoes' are gardening tools), sluts, ho-bags, and slut-monkeys, with only Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown providing you any real competition."

"How do you know all this?" Only a select few knew of her superiority as a ho-bag and slut-monkey.

"I have my ways. Anyhow, I need your help to make myself an irresistible manslut."

Was such a thing even possible? Severus Snape? Irresistable? Dumbledore would have chuckled, but he wasn't really feeling omniscient right now since Ron had returned, so he didn't know what Snape had requested, and therefore, could not chuckle at it.

"I think I can work something out for you. You are already somewhat mysterious, in a creepy way… Maybe we can make you into… Hmmm. Yes, I've got it! Alright, I'll help you, but what's in it for me?"

"Name your price."

"Er…" she hadn't thought that far ahead. "How about some new fishnets? My best pair got ripped horribly by Dean, he's a little overenthusiastic sometimes."

"10 points from Slytherin for sleeping around with Gryffindors. And you'll get your… fishnets."

"Okay, this is going to take a while. I hope Flitwick isn't too upset about me missing our… Well, never mind, let's get started."

They started at four in the afternoon, and were in his room until six the next morning. (It would have taken longer, but for the sake of the fic, it'll take only… er… not that long…)

Hermione woke up at 6:30, feeling like something was wrong. Really wrong. 'Oh,' she thought, completely forgetting her annoying habit of talking to herself, 'I'd forgotten Ron's alive again.'

She dressed, resigned to the fact that she was doomed to be a part of the friendship triangle forever. It was actually more like a "let's kill the other members!" triangle though…

She realized Seamus was in the room again, and chucked something at him. Luckily the something was a sock, and had about as much a chance of hurting someone as S.P.E.W. had of really taking off. But even luckier, her aim sucked and the sock landed on Parvati's head.  
Seamus giggled.

Hermione sighed and went down to the Great Hall for breakfast, where she found Ron and Harry speaking rapidly, discussing the differences between Heaven and Snape Hell. From what she gathered from the freakishly fast conversation was that Heaven was very floaty and Snape Hell was really hot and had a really obvious exit.

Dumbledore stood to make an announcement:

"As many of you have noticed, and justly complained about, Ronald Weasley has returned to us, alive and well. Should anyone else kill him, be sure to dispose of the body, that's very important, and I will make sure that Professor Snape keeps his hands off his soul. And as for Professor Snape, who is noticeably absent, let us all glare angrily at him when he arrives. I believe five minutes of glaring will suffice, but do go ahead and glare more if you've a class with him or pass him in a hallway. Thank you, that is all." He sat down.  
Dumbledore was very disappointed in Snape. Very disappointed indeed.

When the doors to the Great Hall opened, everyone fixed angry glares in that direction. But it was only Pansy Parkinson, so everyone continued eating. Pansy sat down at the Slytherin table, looking smug, and very tired.

A few moments later, when most people were finishing up their food, the doors opened again. Angry glares fixed upon the entering person, but were soon turned to shocked stares.

For the person who entered was Severus Snape.  
Severus Snape, new and improved.  
Severus Snape… The Slytherin Sex God.

People stared, girls (and guys) squealed, Seamus Finnigan was very thankful that Snape wasn't Irish, or else he'd lose his title, and deep underground, far below Hogwarts, Argus Filch collapsed in Snape Hell. Dead, again.

And as we all know from Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z, and Dragon Ball Whatever, if you die again while you're still dead… well, there's no wishing you back to life with the Dragon Balls, that's for sure.  
So, Argus Filch was gone forever. He'll probably not be mentioned again.

Snape strode swiftly (alliteration!) to the staff table, his robes billowing sexily behind him.

Albus Dumbledore regained his wits and jumped up. "Severus! Minerva! Filius! Pomona! Hey that rhymed!"

Only Snape and McGonagall got up. I mean, really, Filius and Pomona? WHO?

Dumbledore was getting impatient. "Flitwick, Sprout, you idiots, get up!"

Oh. Right, they got up, feeling stupid that they'd forgotten their first names.

"Now, follow me to that room behind the staff table that was only used during Harry Potter's fourth year! Come on!"

They all followed him, but no one's robes billowed as sexily as Snape's.

The room, if you recall from the fourth book, had had paintings hanging all over the walls. But not anymore! Now, there was only a large Hogwarts crest on the wall above the fireplace.

Dumbledore was jumping up and down with excitement. "The Slytherin house prophecy! It's been fulfilled!" Dumbledore was twinkling so hard, the others had to shield their eyes.

"What prophecy?" (It doesn't matter who asked, they all would have asked the same thing.)

"Slytherin's sexy prophecy! Slytherin and Hufflepuff were the only ones who made sexy prophecies. Hufflepuff's was something about orgies in the common room or something else, but that's not important because no one likes Hufflepuff."

Professor Sprout couldn't really argue with him. It was true. She didn't even like Hufflepuff. And she was their Head of House!

"Anyhow, the Slytherin Prophecy goes like this:

'There will come from the depths of Hogwarts a Slytherin Sex God. He will emerge from his greasy haired, sallow skinned cocoon, with the help of the queen of ho-bags and slut-monkeys, and he will emerge to win hearts, woo women, and impregnate many a teenage witch. And his robes will billow like nobody's business.'

Incredible, no? And it's all coming true!"

"Well, how can you be sure?" (Again, not important who asked.)

"Well, …" Dumbledore got that twinkle in his eyes. Not the regular twinkle. The STORY TIME TWINKLE. The others settled down for a long boring talk. "When I first heard about the prophecy, in my third year, I immediately set out to discover the identity of the Sex God. I had hoped that it would have been me, I was a very Slytheriny Slytherin, you know. What's more Slytheriny than fooling everyone into believing you're a kind and loyal Gryffindor? But, alas, I was never greasy haired nor sallow skinned. It had to be someone else… So, when young Severus arrived at Hogwarts for schooling, I thought it might be him, but… alas, he stayed a greasy loser. I believed all hope would be lost, and that Draco Malfoy would take on the title of Slytherin Sex God, as many of our students seem to have a habit of calling him that… But then, this happened! Severus, congratulations! And now, if you'd step in front of the crest and announce yourself, I think it will prove beyond any doubt that you are indeed, the One." (Matrix-y? No! Don't be silly.)

Snape stepped forward and said in a sexy voice, "I, Professor Severus Snape, am the Slytherin Sex God!"

The snake on the crest spat a badge at the sexy man and said, "It's about time."

Snape picked the badge up off the floor, and pinned it to his robes. He turned around to show off the shiny "S.S.G." (for all you Giners 'R Us kids) on his chest.

"Hey," said Sprout, "Why don't I get a badge?"

Dumbledore looked at her incredulously. "Because no one likes your house! And aren't giant orgies enough for you?!"

Snape smirked and said, sexily, "And besides, you're not Slytherins. Badges are very Slytheriny. Ask around, Slytherins are always making badges."

"He's right," said Dumbledore, who pointed at a badge on his chest that had just appeared. "See? I made this myself." The badge said, "Wanna hitch a ride on my broomstick?"  
Dumbledore grinned, and McGonagall blushed.

"Oh! My compliments to Miss Parkinson. She did an excellent job slutting you up." And Dumbledore, who'd been twinkling rather a lot, toned down his twinkle.

Snape smiled, and ran a hand through his silky black hair.

The other occupants of the room swooned.

He swept from the room, and down to the dungeons.

His robes billowing like nobody's business.

**That afternoon in the library:**

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were doing a Potions essay, which may or may not have been an actual assignment, when Draco came around.

Harry and Ron (who'll do something stupid next chapter) said something along the lines of, "Oh look, it's the ferret." Because they can't come up with good insults.

Hermione sneered.

Draco swooned, but got up a second later and said, "Hey mudblood." (He couldn't come up with good insults either.)

And then, things got kind of weird.

The lighting in the library changed. It got all funky and soap opera-ish.

Hermione stood up dramatically and said, "Draco, I – I can't see you anymore!"

"Nooo!" Draco wailed, "You've gone blind!"

"No, it's not that. I – I'm in love with – "

"The Weasel? I'll kill him!" Draco exclaimed dramatically, pointing his wand at Ron.

'NO!" Hermione smacked Draco dramatically.

Ron smacked Draco just for the hell of it.

And Harry smacked Draco's ass. Because it's hot, yo.

"No! Draco, don't kill him!"

"Why? Because he's your… LOVER!" He was crying big dramatic tears, and yelling dramatically.

"NO! If you kill him, he'll only come back to life! And he's not my lover because… I'm in love with – With Severus Snape, and I have been for years! But I only just realized it because he suddenly became drop-dead gorgeous!"

(This would have been the perfect moment for Argus Filch to die. But he's gone. So…) Madame Pince fell down dead. They would never have to use their "indoor voices" again!

"What! You're leaving me for him? But – But I love you!"

"I know Draco, I know… But our love can never be! Besides, he has better hair than you now!" She sobbed and turned away dramatically. "I'm sorry!"

"I love you, Hermione," cried the heartbroken Draco.

And then the lighting returned to normal.

Draco was a bit confused. "Well, er… Hmm. Well, it's been fun mudblood. Have fun with Snape, and if you get tired of him, come find me."

Hermione sneered. Draco swooned.

Harry realized he had smacked Draco's ass, and decided he had a few things he needed to think over.

Ron decided that soap operas are pretty cool.

And Snape was in the dungeons, walking around, just for the sake of his billowing robes.


	7. Girl Pants and Messed Up Plans!

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. BUT! I did paint my nails green and purple once. That's cool, right? No? Whatever, don't sue me.**

A/N: Hello! Back again! I was in Vegas and didn't have time to type this up. Anyhow, hope this chapter is amusing. And, you know, reviews. I want, nay, I need them.

To the lovely reviewers:  
**WaterGoddess9:** I love you. Thank you for uploading my last chapter. I'll come over some day, and we can make our T-shirts. With the rest of the gang of course.

**Erika**: Hey. Mugglenet. Cool. One of my favorite sites. Thumbs up! And thank you.

**SpellBound05:** Nice to know I can make others laugh besides myself and my boyfriend. He laughs when I eat. That jerk.

**Remus'Fiance:** Alas, no Gryffindor Sex God. But I mustn't speak of Sex Gods anymore... All shall be revealed in good time. Hahaha.

**Dance to the RANDOMNESS:** Sorry, you can't have Draco. Hee hee. Nope. Hee hee...

**Aussie Trebs**: I ... Do not like Spongebob. So, no. But thanks for the review anyway.

**HealerAriel:** Yes, well, I think Snape deserved the glaring. And well... Harry and Draco... Hee hee.

Oh! One more thing! Next chapter will be chock full of delicious things! Gangsta-ness, sparkly pink string bikinis, crumple-horned snorkacks, ice cream, two really awesome people, one not so awesome person, a meeting, and... other things. So, do read it. I'm looking forward to putting it up here.

**Chapter 7: Girl Pants and Messed Up Plans!**

Ron's head was hurting. And he wasn't even thinking hard! He came to the (surprisingly correct) conclusion that his head was hurting because he hadn't really done anything stupid for a few days. The he remembered that he was still trying to get people to love him.

And then he had **the** idea. **THE** idea.

"I've got it! **THE** idea!" With that, he jumped up and ran to his room. IN THE MIDDLE OF TRANSFIGURATION! **GASP**!

The class gasped a collective gasp. For dramatic effect.

But Professor McGonagall didn't even take off any points. She was still miffed about not getting a badge. **Or** a prophecy.

Ten minutes, and one growth charm, later, Ron's transformation was complete. He was ready to put his plan into effect…

He was going to be …… EMO!

Hermione shuddered. Her S.I.D. was acting up again. She swore under her breath.

Ron ran back into his class and let everyone have a good look at him. His hair was longer and covered one eye, he had a lip ring (fake of course), he was wearing Chucks (standard footwear for all EMO kids) covered in drawings, he had several pins on his robes (they had broken hearts and teardrops and sad stick figures on them. One said, "Cheer up Hufflepuff kid." Why? I don't know.) His pants looked like they didn't fit him. Very strange pants they were.

Very strange because… They were girl pants.

"Those are **mine**," squealed Lavender Brown, pointing at the pants.

Ron ignored her, tossed his head to move his hair, and took (what he thought was) a very artistic, original, unique, and meaningful picture of himself. Then he sat down with Harry (who was gaping) and Hermione (also gaping).

Hermione, once over the shock of Ron's new image, LAUGHED. "What are you doing in Lavender's pants?"

"Yours wouldn't fit."

"Ron, are you gay?" Harry thought Ron looked very gay indeed. Especially with the long hair and girl pants… And what was with the lip ring? It was so obviously fake…

"No, I've already tried that, remember? No. I'm EMO! It's a muggle trend or something. EMO guys dress like girls I guess… and grow their hair out… I guess to look more like girls. And you know what? Girls like it! Yeah, don't I look HOTT Hermione?" He ignored her gagging noise and continued, "I think I'll use a magic computer and make myself a xanga. I'll post pictures of myself, and girls will want to be my xanga wives, and then I'll make Featured Content everyday and piss off all the good writers! And then I'll make a myspace, and all the girls that fall in love with my sexy emo-ness will add me because of my cool hair! And then I'll have a million friends and a million billion comments! Everyone will love me!" He smiled. So happy he was. So very happy.

Hermione was gaping again. "You are out of your mind!"

"Maybe you're just jealous!"

"Jealous of **what**, exactly? Your hair? With it covering your face like that, the oils will get all over your skin, clog your pores, and give you zits. Your **fake** lip ring? Come on. Oh. Maybe, your GIRL pants? I have my own, you idiot!"

Ron sniffled. A big, huge, glistening EMO tear slid down his cheek.

Harry rolled his eyes. "You're really pathetic Ron."

Ron adjusted his hair, and glared at Harry like a cyclops.

"And you can't keep worrying about your hair, or else you won't be able to play Quidditch. You know, the wind."

Ron gasped.

At that moment, Draco popped into the room, glaring upwards into the ceiling.

"You know, authory person, I don't much appreciate you popping me around the castle like this. It's worse than apparating… It's really, very confu- WEASLEY! HAHAHAHAHA! What the hell are you doing with that **thing** in your lip and your hair in your face?" He collapsed in a fit of giggles, conveniently forgetting that **his** hair was in his face, and had been for years.

Ron ran away. This was making him **very** EMO indeed. And Lavender's pants were crushing him in certain places.

Draco finally calmed down enough to say, "Potter, remember when I said that if I were gay I'd rather be with Ron than you? I take it back. He's a complete loser. And much more gay than I ever realized, and I have very sensitive gay-dar…"

Harry blushed.

Draco blushed.

Seamus laughed. He knew what was going to happen between those two. It's what those in the know call "slash." Yay!

And then Draco was whisked away by a disgruntled looking Flitwick, who was **also** angry about not getting a badge.

**Meanwhile:**

Ron changed into his own pants, took out his fake lip ring, and curled up in bed with his face buried in Lavender's pants.

It was the closest he'd ever get to … the Real Thing, so he had to soak it up. You understand.

But, up in Dumbledore's office, something else was going on…

Dumbledore paced. And paced. And paced some more.

His carefully laid plans were all going down the tube! What was wrong?!

He went over the plan:

1. Harry would be killed, and he'd come back not stupid.

"Well, that seems to have worked out," muttered Dumbledore, whose twinkle level was at an all-time low.

2. Hermione would be a complete bitch.

"That … kind of worked…" Dumbledore nodded.

3. Draco would lose his mind/fall in love.

This was where things got all screwed up. Draco had fallen in love, but then Hermione had gone and declared her love for Snape! And then the idiot boy had turned back into the stupid head he'd been before! AND THEN HE BECAME GAY!

"Wait!" Like a field in Chino Hills that gets hit by a spark, his twinkle level flared to frightening heights. "SNAPE! He's behind this!"

The next part of his plan was for Ron to die. And stay dead. "But SNAPE had gotten his creepy, pale hands on Ron's soul, and failed to disassemble Ron's body! That's how he came back! SNAPE has ruined everything, and now Draco's gay, Harry's gay, Snape is … SEXY, and Hermione is – well… about to be in an illegal (but sexy) relationship!" Dumbledore's twinkling had finally blinded some of the portraits.

"But wait! The prophecy! Perhaps there's more to this Slytherin Sex God prophecy after all!"

He whipped out a magical computer, because those are so common, and Wizard-Googled the Slytherin Sex God prophecy.

He was shocked to find not only that, but Gryffindor and Ravenclaw prophecies as well! (Maybe this would make Minerva and Filius less angry…)

He read.

There was the Gryffindor prophecy, which said something about a gay boy with messy hair. Dumbledore immediately thought of James Potter because he'd obviously been hot for Sirius, but the wizarding website said that the prophecy was still unfulfilled, and would only be fulfilled by a Gryffindor and **Slytherin**.

Dumbledore gasped. "Harry and Draco!"

He went on to the Ravenclaw prophecy, which was a bit disappointing.

"A Ravenclaw will spread knowledge to the masses… Well, honestly, that could be fulfilled by any Ravenclaw! Sheesh!"

(He didn't notice the "fulfilling in progress" at the bottom of the prophecy.)

Dumbledore turned off his magical computer, and thought, his twinkle level fluctuating and really irritating the not blind portraits.

**10 minutes later in the dungeons:**

Snape was about to teach his first class since his transformation. He smirked, and took a few steps, just because he felt like billowing. Duh.

Hermione rushed in, ahead of everyone, essay in her hand, and a determined look on her face.

"Miss Granger," Snape said in a voice as silky as his hair, "So eager for the lesson to begin?"

"Sir, I have to say something."

Draco strolled in, and having heard that last comment, said, "Oh yes, this should be lovely." He got out a camera he'd stolen from that Creevey kid, ready to immortalize Snape's reaction on film.

"Sir, I love you, and have from the first moment I saw you!"

Snape cringed. **Flash**. And paled. **Flash**. And gaped. **Flash**. And blinked. **Flash**. And looked confused. **Flash**.

Draco sniggered.

Harry and Ron walked in and sat down, popcorn in their hands. They had missed the big declaration though! Shucks.

Snape grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill, and scribbled a quick note. He opened a drawer in his desk, and pulled out a very unhealthy looking owl, tied the letter to its wing, and sent it off.

A few moments later, in a bathroom stall, an underage muggle-born witch was clutching the letter and sobbing, "Doesn't it mean anything that I loved you even when you were greasy haired and sallow skinned?"

The note said:

"Sorry, but our relationship is over.  
Severus Snape, Slytherin Sex God"

Snape strode across the room as more students shuffled in, grabbed Hermione, and gave her a kiss. Actually, he… gave her… **The Kiss**. **The Kiss** that makes girls lift up one foot, sigh, giggle, cry, and that convinces them that they are kissing their soulmate.

Ron threw up in his cauldron. So much for his popcorn.

Draco took more pictures, wishing he could do that to someone … someone with messy hair… (Hee hee!)

Harry sent little-glances at Draco, wishing he (Harry) could kiss **him** (Draco) like that.

The rest of the class sat in stunned silence, except for Seamus, who shook his head disapprovingly at me.

Snape broke away from Hermione, but kept hold of her, otherwise they'd both fall over.

"Class, turn in your essays tomorrow. Talk amongst yourselves or… whatever… yes."

With that, he and Hermione left the classroom with their arms around each other, and Snape's robes **still** managed to billow beautifully.

Draco and Seamus shot each other knowing glances, because **they** knew what the author had sent Snapey and Hermy to do.

Oh, yes. Good ol' Severus and Hermione were going to get it on. Yup!

Seamus shook his head. "This is so wrong."

Yes. Yes it is.

But… It feels so **RIGHT**!


	8. Imma GANGSTA!

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all. Really and truly.**

A/N: Sorry this took so long. My computer use has been severely limited because of SOMEONE hogging it... Woah, that sounded immature. Oh well. Enjoy, review, look forward to the next chapter in which there will be a unicorn of sorts...

**Dance to the Randomness**: So sorry about taking Draco away, but it had to be done.

**sexyredhead**: Thank you. I like this story too. I like it bunches.

**HealerAriel**: Ridiculously amusing, eh? Thanks! Good to know my work is appreciated. Heh heh.

**WaterGoddess9**: I'm coming over to your house! YAY! Hahahaha. Yeah. You better gimme more reviews.

**Moony**: We are awesome. And I shan't forget the unicorn. Don't worry. And I know I rock your socks. Thanks for letting me read this to you. It was fun. And took forever. And I like your house.

**Rena:** : Eeep! Another one with a gigglefit! Haha.

**Chapter 8: Imma GANGSTA!**

For the sake of the "plot" the next day was a weekend. But not just any weekend! Oh no… A Hogsmeade weekend! Oooh…

Harry and Hermione were waiting for Ron in front of the Three Broomsticks. They were bored. And hungry.

Suddenly! Ron showed up.

Hermione blinked. "Oh dear." Oh dear indeed. They hadn't been prepared for Ron's latest plan…

"Ron, what is this? What – Why? Just… Why?"

"Imma GANGSTA!" (Or "wanksta" if you prefer.) Ron looked around. "Yo, where ma bitches at?"

Hermione's hand twitched, she was so ready to grab her wand and curse the life out of him, when something happened SUDDENLY.

SUDDENLY (!OMG!) two sparkly, pink string bikini clad bodies leapt onto Ron, giving him kisses and generally just putting on a disgusting show.

For a few seconds the only sounds that could be heard were the kissy, smacky noises of the two bikini wearers.

And then…

"FRED! GEORGE! GET OFF ME!"

The twins stopped their dastardly deeds, and laughed as Ron expelled his semi digested breakfast. Then the bikini wearin' boys turned to Harry.

Harry blushed and looked away. Talking to two strapping young men showing off their sexy, luscious, fabulous, delicious bodies was the last thing he needed. It was too much for poor, just-admitted-to-himself-he's-gay Harry. He looked at the sky.

"Hello Harry."

"H-Hullo. What are you two doing here?"

Ron was still throwing up, and Hermione had entered the pub, eager to spread the story around.

"We were over at Zonko's – "

" – Reminiscing about the past – "

" – When we saw **this** idiot :points at Ron: through the window."

"It was too good an opportunity to pass up."

"So we put on our matching bikinis we bought yesterday – "

" – And jumped on him."

Harry looked at the clouds. "That's nice."

"Yes, well, we're off."

"Nice seeing you Harry."

"Right." Harry resisted the urge to watch them as they walked away.

Ron was horribly green, and looked like he'd been deflated, but had, thankfully, stopped throwing up.

Harry shook his head and walked into the Three Broomsticks.

"I TOLD YOU!" Luna was screaming, standing on the bar. "NONE OF YOU LISTENED!"

The reason for this madness was … A **CRUMPLE-HORNED SNORKACK ATTACK!**

Oh, the humanity!

"I TOLD YOU! I WARNED ALL OF YOU, YOU IDIOTS!" As Luna knew how to produce many a Snorkack ward, there were none of the lil' critters attacking her.

Not so for the other occupants.

Harry swiped at one of the lil' monsters crawling up his leg.

Dumbledore threw one at Rosmerta, who screamed and slapped at it, before exclaiming, "THE **PROPHECY**!"

Hermione was getting her hair pulled by one of the beasts.

Harry decided it was time to leave.

He'd find somewhere else to eat.

After walking a while, he came upon a new building.

"C.C.'s Ice cream? Huh…" He went in, not knowing what to expect. Perhaps they'd have strawberry! He loved strawberry ice cream. It's delicious, you know.

"Hi! How can I help you?" Cho Chang was behind the counter, smiling a big, beautiful, Cho Chang-y smile.

Harry gasped. 'C.C.'s! Cho Chang! SO OBVIOUS!' "Er… I'll have some strawberry in a cone."

She was smiling. He didn't like that smile. It was that smile she used to give him in his fifth year. Hmmm… How odd.

"What size?" She batted her eyelashes.

'What's wrong with her eyes?' "Medium I suppose." Harry just wanted his ice cream. He wanted to get his ice cream, and get out. He didn't like being in this place with this girl and her creepy, fluttery eyes…

"You get a free topping with that."

"What? Really?" Yay! Free stuff! Maybe this place wasn't so bad after all!

"Yeah, come on, I'll show you." She walked over to the topping station.

Harry's happiness at free toppings faded away. 'Was that – Was she – _Seductive walk_! What is wrong with her?' Then Harry noticed the strawberries. Yum! "I'll have strawberries!"

Cho giggled. (0.o) "Strawberry and strawberry, coming up."

She gave Harry a seductive look.

'What is going on?'

She handed him his ice cream (which he took with an insane gleam in his eye) with a wink, and he paid.

'Wait! She gave me… more ice cream! MORE than I asked for. A LOT more! She – No. That's silly. Of course not.' He looked at the Asian girl.

She was batting her eyelashes, and licking her lips, and … doing other things.

'She was flirting with me! Through this ice cream! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!'

Harry sat down, chuckling, and started eating.

Then an owl landed on his head, hooting angrily. Something about not knowing where he was… blah blah … wasn't even flying …

Harry grabbed the owl with his ice cream free hand, and shook it until the letter attached to its leg fell off. Then the owl disappeared.

(SPOOKY!)

Harry opened the letter one handed!

The letter said:

"Dear Mr. Potter,

You have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry – "

Oops. Wrong letter.

Ah, here it is!

"Harry James Potter,  
You have been invited to join the Hogwarts Sex Gods! Yay! We are meeting today at 3 PM, and look forward to having you there. Meetings are held in a shack behind the Three Broomsticks.  
All hash pipes must be checked at the door.

Thank you."

Harry licked his ice cream thoughtfully. 'Hmm. Sex Gods? But I'm a virgin… And what's this 'hash pipe' business?'

Harry decided to see what this group was all about, and left the silly Asian girl's ice cream shop.

Cho promptly burst into big, Asian, EMO tears.

The shack was ugly, Harry decided upon reaching it. But he went in anyway. Because, as a Gryffindor, he braves all sorts of horrible things. Even ugly shacks.

"Good to see you Harry! Alright, I, Seamus Finnigan, **Irish** Sex God, call this meeting of the Hogwarts Sex Gods to order."

Remus Lupin sighed. "Seamus. We don't even do anything in these 'meetings.' Why have them?"

Seamus glared at the offensive werewolf. "I give you and other Sex Gods a place to gather, in a jealousy-free environment, to do as you wish and discuss what you want without fear of oppression because of your sexiness. And this is how you repay me? Shame."

Lupin sighed.

"Anyway," Seamus turned back to Harry, "welcome! You've been accepted as a Hogwarts Sex God!"

The others in this room (who are shrouded in shadowy mystery, because they haven't been formally introduced yet) started chanting, "One of us. One of us…"

Lupin sighed.

"Shh! Stop the chanting! Anyhow, being a new member, you don't know the rest of us… And I don't think they like being shrouded in shadowy mystery, so they'll introduce themselves now…"

One by one, they stepped forward: they, the doom of mankind. ARGH, no. They stepped forward and gave their titles. The dooming comes later. When they gain power over different countries… Ah, whatever, that's not got anything to do with this…

Draco Malfoy - **Rich Boy** Sex God.  
Sirius Black – Sex God **From BEYOND**! (Because necrophilia's so in these days.)  
Dumbledore – **Wrinkly** Sex God. (Wrong… So wrong…)  
Lupin – **Wolfy** Sex God. ("Why is my title so lame?" cried the werewolf. "WHY?")  
Blaise Zabini - **Beautiful, Androgynous** Sex God.  
Oliver Wood - **Quidditch Playin'** Sex God.  
And, of course…

Severus Snape, the Slytherin Sex God.

"Well. That was… Nice meeting you all. Again. But, I don't think I really belong here."

Because "here" was an old, dirty shack filled with some plainly insane people.

"Nonsense! You, Harry," Seamus grinned, "Are the **Gay** Sex God."

Harry thought. "Oh, well, I guess that makes sense then."

Seamus and I giggled.

"Anyhow," Seamus said after the giggling, "Harry, you go stand by Draco. Closer. Closer. Good."

Hee hee, look, they're blushing!

"I am not! A Malfoy doesn't blush!"

Shh!

"Right then," said Seamus, "back to business. Do we have any? Business that is."

Lupin cleared his throat.

"Is this another resignation then?"

Lupin shifted uncomfortably. "Well, yes. I'm getting married next month, and I'm going to be a father soon. I don't think that's good Hogwarts Sex God material, do you?" He looked very hopeful.

"Well, you know that all resignations must be approved by a vote."

"That's just stupid!"

"Oh well, rules are rules, Wolfy. All for Lupin remaining a Sex God, say 'w00T.'"

All members said "w00T" except Lupin.

"All against say 'poopy head.'"

A lone "poopy head" was heard through the shack.

"Well, Lupin, looks like you're stuck with us. Now sit down."

Lupin sat, silent tears of frustration coursing down his cheeks. Sirius patted his old friend on the shoulder. Poor Lupin. Poor Lupin indeed.

"Okay, any other business? No? Well, does anyone know of a place to get some ice cream… I really want some."

Harry spoke up, "Cho Chang's opened an ice cream shop down the street."

"Has she?" Oliver Wood had a sparkle in his eye. He was craving ice cream too.

"Yes. You get a free topping with your ice cream as well."

"Do you really?" Dumbledore was twinkling brightly. It looked like he also wanted some ice cream.

"Yes."

Seamus stood up. "It's settled, Sex Gods, we're getting ice cream!"

The Sex Gods left, and sexily searched for the ice cream shop.

All except Harry and Draco…

**OOOOH!**


	9. A Clever Ruse!

**Disclaimer**: Don't own anything. At all. Nothing. And those lyrics are from a Meatloaf song, so… Yeah.

**A/N**: Sorry I'm taking so long. I'm a loser. And I've been busy with bandcamp. Not that that's a good excuse at all. But, please forgive me. And review! Yes, review. And sorry this chapter's so short.

**HealerAriel**: That was disgusting, I apologize. Heh heh.

**Malin**: Here's your MORE. Yay!

**WaterGoddess9**: … You suck! Not really, you're cool. Thumbs up.

**Moony**: You missed two days of drill! But I still love you.

**XxCrystallinExXxWaYxXxMikeYxXxBlakExX**: That's long. Thanks so much for all the reviews. And I hope you enjoy this chapter as well. And Cookie too, not that a cat would enjoy this…

**Wingsofthefae**: Thanks for the review.

**Chapter 9: A Clever Ruse!**

_When we left, Harry and Draco were alone in the headquarters of the Hogwarts Sex Gods :GASP:_

_What will happen to our two homosexual teens?_

_Keep reading, and find out!_

"You! **You're** GAY!"

"Well, yes, actually. I couldn't very well be the 'Gay Sex God' if I were straight."

"Well… But…"

"Wasn't it obvious though? I mean, really. Wasn't it?"

For someone who had only just admitted to himself that he was gay, Harry was being very open, don't you think?

"Well, yes, actually, this author did make it a bit obvious."

"Right. So, are you gay too?"

Now why would they be having this conversation if Draco **wasn't** gay?

Yes, Draco used to be a ladies' man, but he's recently come over to the other side.

"Of course!" Draco pointed at a badge on his robes that had just appeared.  
The badge said:

"I'm gay! And I love unicorns!"

"What do unicorns have to do with anything?"

"Nothing, actually. I just really like them. They're so cute!"

"Well…"

"Well…"

Silence filled the shack, like a horrible, silent **thing**! The silence was watching… waiting… And with the silence came tension. Tension so thick they could hardly breathe. It was pressing down on them from all directions!

And then, quite suddenly, they found themselves engaged in a kiss.

A very passionate kiss.

A kiss of… LOVE!

At a table in C.C.'s Ice Cream, Dumbledore jumped up, twinkling fiercely and exclaimed, "The OTHER PROPHECY!"

The two boys kissed and kissed until they couldn't kiss no more!

(Which is silly, because that's a double negative… Hmm…)

And then they looked into each other's eyes…  
And kissed again…

And…

Made wild, passionate love!

YAY!

In C.C.'s Ice Cream, Seamus Finnigan laughed until he fell over, and bought all the Sex Gods more ice cream.

The next day Harry and Draco walked into the Great Hall together.

They walked in together, holding hands.

But instead of the shocked gasps that they expected, they were greeted by … nothing. (Well, actually, a few girls squealed and died, but that happened a lot…)

"What the hell?!" Draco was furious. "I walk in here, holding my former archenemy's hand, and none of you people say anything! What about the stares and whispers and gasps that something like this deserves?! WHERE ARE THEY?! Don't I deserve them?! DAMN IT, SOMEONE NEEDS TO BE SHOCKED BY THIS!"

"Shut up, Malfoy!" Something pink and squishy hit the pale boy squarely on the forehead.

"Who threw this?" Draco was as pink as the cake thing that had hit him.

"Shh, sweetie." Harry was getting a little embarrassed.

"I WANT TO KNOW WHO THREW THIS!"

"Oooh! Look! A! UNICORN!"

Draco and Harry spun around. It was true! A UNICORN!

"YAY!" Draco immediately jumped on the unicorn's back, forgetting all about the little cake thingy, and yelled happily, "Giddy up, unicorn!"

He's so adorable!

"Hey, why don't you ever do that to **me**?" Harry had obviously forgotten about the night before.

"Harry," said Draco, still trying to ride the unicorn, "You've obviously forgotten about last night."

"What? Oh yes, you're right. I remember now. Silly me." He blushed.

**He's** so adorable!

The two of them giggled and blushed and were just … adorable.

Finally, the unicorn could take it no longer.

"Get off me, Malfoy!" The unicorn threw the blonde boy off its back, and tried to trample him.

"Stupid horse! You're not a real unicorn at all!" Draco sniffled.

He was right. The unicorn's horn had fallen off, revealing some sticky putty stuff on the "unicorn's" head.

"FINE! You're right! It was all a ruse! A RUSE!"

"Oh no." Harry paled. "Ron?"

"YES! It's me! I just wanted people to love me! And all I got was this perv humping me!" The horse started crying big, beautiful tears of horsey sadness.

With a "pop" the horse vanished and in its place stood Ronald Weasley.

Hermione jumped up. "I knew it! I knew that unicorn was you the whole time!" She looked very smug. Very smug indeed.

Snape smiled and said (sexily), "Good girl, Hermione. Hmm… 20 points from Gryffindor for being friends with idiots."

"You know, you **could** give me some points once in a while."

Dramatic music started to play, and Snape stood and sang:

"I would do anything for love, but I won't do that…"

End dramatic music.

Dumbledore twinkled brightly. "Would you care for some MEATLOAF, Severus? Though I daresay you've had enough."

Hermione sighed, "It wouldn't kill you to give me points."

"Actually," said Severus, "it might. There's a good chance that it would."

Hermione sighed again.

There's really no reasoning with that man… But at least he's sexy.

Blinks and stares from all around the Hall followed the silly exchange.

"Uhm… Anyway, how did you even **become** a horse? I mean unicorn. Whatever."

Ron laughed. "Well, actually, it's a really funny story… Yeah. Hee hee… Hmm. Good times. Anyhow, I'm really hungry."

With that he strode over to the Gryffindor table and sat beside Hermione, who shoved a squishy pink cake in his mouth before he could say anything stupid.

And then Peeves flew in and dropped a house elf on Draco.

Because Peeves hasn't been around for a while, and was feeling lonely.


	10. Jelly!

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Nothing at all.**

A/N: I'm back! WEE! Read and review, yo!

**Wingsofthefae:** Look! Jelly!

**XxSpeckAxLynnAxX:** Hee hee, Harry and Draco. Unicorns... Hee hee...

**geekthing:** I'm not sure if that was a compliment... but... thanks?

**Moony:** I love you. Have my clarinet playing babies.

**Pandora:** Most of this chapter is in response to your review. Yeah.

**WaterGoddess9:** The love of my life. Always giving me stuff.

**HealerAriel:** I'm glad I could make someone's day. Go me!

**Henrietta-Black van der Snape:** Here's what happens next! It's even shorter than the last chapter!

**Remus'Fiance:** I think I'm going to have to steal the cheerleading Ron soon... For another chapter.

**Chapter 10: Jelly!**

'I'm tired of this constant abuse!' thought the unhappy elf that'd just landed on Draco. 'Always cleaning and cooking and 'yes sir!' and 'no sir!' And now this! Being dropped on people! I've had enough!'

But before any insane Dobby-like words could escape the little elf's mouth, a sequence of "pops" filled the Hall, several elfy hands grabbed the dropped elf, and "popped" into the kitchens.

Because the house elf was obviously in need of some reprogramming. I mean brainwashing. I mean "motivational speeches" … Yeah. And who would be better for that than a happy kitcheny house elf? Who I ask? Nobody, that's who.

…

"Er, right." Dobby hated the brainwashing house elves. They never had any socks.

Meanwhile, in the Great Hall, everyone had forgotten about the unicorn. They were all busy watching an epic battle unfold. Not really. It was more like an … argument.

"There's no way that you're a boy!" Some random chick was arguing with Blaise about his gender. Again.

Honestly, when will these people learn?

"I **am** a boy though. See?" He pointed at his "I'm a boy" badge.

"So? You look like a girl."

"I was just born pretty. Really pretty."

"Well, you have a girl name."

He tossed his hair. "It's a family name… And it's **not** a girl's name…"

"Well, didn't someone say you were a girl after you got sorted into Slytherin?"

"No."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"I don't believe you."

Then Seamus and Draco piped in, reciting in unison, "From Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, American Edition, chapter seven, page 122, second to last paragraph, I quote:

'Well done, Ron, excellent,' said Percy Weasley pompously across Harry as 'Zabini, Blaise,' was made a Slytherin. Professor McGonagall rolled up her scroll and took the Sorting Hat away.

See? No mention of gender anywhere at all. But, J.K.R. later confirmed Blaise's sex (male). And… well, have you even **read** the sixth book?"

With that, the two Sex Gods slipped out of sight. But not together.

"See, Pandora- I mean 'Random Chick' – I'm a boy." With that, Blaise swung his long hair back and walked away, swishing his hips.

The random chick vanished, and the lights faded as a chilling voice filled the Hall.

"Don't try to prove me wrong about something related to Harry Potter, because I will own you in the face! Bwahahahahahaha!" The lights returned to normal.

Harry looked down and saw a paper saying "This is a NOTE," which he read aloud.

"Note: As this is Pre-HBP, certain things will **not** be accurate, I've said it before, but things like Blaise's gender or middle names of certain characters **are** correct, so don't argue with me. Please? It makes me angry.  
Love, always,  
Lyrix.

(I'm cool, yo.)"

After lessons that day (because there's still no DADA teacher…), Draco and Harry were in the Slytherin Seventh Year Boy's dormitory.

Harry stared at his lover's bed with a look of terror and curiosity.

He couldn't even speak. He was dumbfounded!

"You know, all the girls I brought here thought it was cute." Draco shifted uncomfortably. He didn't like how Harry was looking at his collection. "H – "

"Unicorns."

Yes, that's right, more unicorns.

Stuffed unicorns. Plushy unicorns. Tiny unicorn action figures. All arranged on and around Draco's unicorn-sheet adorned bed.

So … many…

"And… jelly?" Harry was just confused by the jelly. Why? Why jelly?

"Oh, I don't know how that got here…"

Peeves popped out of a corner, and pointed (giggling) at Blaise's pillow, which was covered in jelly.

Strawberry jelly.

"Won't he notice?" Harry was sure even **RON** would notice jelly on his pillow.

"Not a chance. Well, he'll notice once he lies down, but never looks at his bed when he's getting in. He's usually already half asleep."

"Oh, right."

Peeves giggled and said, "It's enchanted jelly. Can't be magicked away, or else it makes an even bigger, stickier mess. Has to be washed out. Hee!"

And then he zoomed away.

Draco and Harry blinked in silence after the poltergeist.

Poor, unsuspecting Blaise.

Off in the dungeons, Hermione and Snape were engaged in some extracurricular activities.

While Dumbledore watched and twinkled creepily in a corner.

CREEPY!


	11. HOLIDAY TIME!

A/N: Hello, all. 'Tis I! Lyrix! With another chapter for all you kids out there who said, "Why the hell aren't there anymore chapters?" (Somehow, I don't think that was very many of you, but I digress...) This chapter is short, I know. But I had to write it. So please, read and review.  
Now! Thanks to reviewers! Yay!

**Wingsofthefae**: Yay for hyper moods!

**Specka Lynna**: Unicorn rooms are actually quite creepy.

**KatieBell70**: Yeah, I'm so funny. Go me! Ahahahaha.

**xxooEriklovesChristinexxoo**: I like the book reference too. It makes me feel smart.

**WaterGoddess9**: Hey, I **AM** cool! And you are too.

**Henrietta-Black van der Snape**: So sorry, not much jelly in this chapter.

**Mooney**: With an "e"? Come on now. And no. Ron shan't ever be a tuba player. He's not cool enough.

**waterfaerie15**: Yup, twinkling is pretty funny.

**Chapter 11: HOLIDAY TIME!**

Harry decided that no amount of creepy unicorn madness would keep him out of that bed or off Draco. He grabbed the pale unicorn-lover, and pulled him into bed, and the lovely couple had steamy hot sex for days and weeks and months! (Not really, it just felt that way. Because it was so wonderful. And, you know, it was like time stopped, or something else just as corny and overused…)

Blaise Zabini swished into the room, and flopped onto his bed, face down.

Giggles erupted from Harry and Draco who still remembered the jelly, even after being frozen in awkward silence for more than two months (But time hasn't passed yet! No! It hasn't!).

"YAARGH! There's jelly on my face!"

The couple in the next bed is disappointed. How anticlimactic that was.

"Here Blaise, let me lick that off."

"No. You're gross. Stupid Malfoy." Blaise Zabini stormed away, in search of a sink.

**MONTHS PASS LIKE THAT (:SNAPS:)!**

"Urgh," Harry groaned. "I feel like I just got pulled through two months of time! It's like a hook pulling from right around my belly button!"

"Don't be silly. You only get that feeling when you use a portkey." Draco kissed Harry's forehead. "That was just the lovely authoress trying to find a way to stick in her latest plot device."

"What?"

"Nothing, let's have dinner."

Good job Draco, good job.

The couple dressed quickly (time may have passed, but since it passed like that (:snaps:), they were still in bed. All nekkid and stuff. But somehow, they managed to not miss a single class, and get the next to highest grades in their year! WOAH! AMAZING!)

"HAPPY THANKSGIVING!"

Harry shook his head, "What are you on about, Ron? And **why** are you dressed like a pilgrim?"

"Becaaaaaauuuuuuuse it's THANKSGIVING, silly." Ron pointed at two people dressed up in brown leather with lots of fringe. "I even got Snape and Hermione to dress like Indians."

"They probably think of this as some new sex game…"

"So? Who cares, it's Thanksgiving!"

"Thank God I don't have friends this retarded," whispered Draco into Harry's ear, which sent Harry blushing and stuff, because he's so girly like that. "See you later," and with that, he was off to the Slytherin table.

Harry sat beside Ron, whose plate was filled with turkey, candied yams, cranberry sauce, biscuits, and stuffing. "Why in the world are you celebrating Thanksgiving?"

"Because. I get to eat Turkey."

"But we're British. From the Big E, yo. It's not a holiday hizzere."

"Wha-?" Ron's mouth was hanging open, and a piece of turkey fell out.

"We don't celebrate it."

"But weren't the Pilgrims British too?"

"Well, yes."

"Then why not celebrate it?"

"Because it's an American holiday. It happened in America."

"But we celebrate Christmas, and American's celebrate that too."

"Yeah, but that's a religious holiday."

"Really?"

"Yes, but Christmas has nothing to do with that."

"So," Ron was thinking about this, very seriously. He even stopped to swallow his food. "So, does that mean you don't celebrate Independence Day either?"

Harry blinked.

"You know, Fourth of July, fireworks, barbecues…"

"I know what it is!"

"But you don't celebrate it?"

"NO! We're British! Why would I celebrate **America's** Independence Day?"

"Well, why not?"

"They were declaring independence from us! Doing away with tyrannical leadership and all that jazz!"

"Jazz too?!"

"NO! Tyrannical leadership and stuff like that."

"But that's good then, isn't it? Who doesn't want to get rid of tyrannical leadership?"

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT, IT'S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE MATTER!"

"But it is! Or else they wouldn't have wanted their independence!" Ron beamed at Harry. He had won the argument.  
Kind of… I guess?

Harry stood up. "Fine, whatever. I hope you choke on that turkey."

"Why?"

"Happy Thanksgiving, Harry." Luna Lovegood strolled up, wearing a giant turkey hat.

"Oh Lord."

(Happy Thanksgiving.)


	12. Preggers!

**Disclaimer: I forgot this in the last chapter. I'm sorry. But I don't own anything. At all. And I don't make any money off of anything. So, yeah.**

A/N: MMM! A chapter! A real one! Yay! Woo hoo! Read it! Review it! All the cool kids are doing it.

**xxooEriklovesChristinexxoo**: I hope this is soon enough.

**WaterGoddess9**: Who doesn't love me? Hahaha, yay, love.

**Henrietta-Black van der Snape**: Thank you for the inspiration! :wink:

**Mooney**: Whatever. You're crazy. I think it's kudos. Duh.

**Chapter 12: Preggers!**

Ron couldn't sleep. He'd been having that nightmare again. You know, the one about tap-dancing spiders. And now, he was awake, **wide** awake, and too frightened to close his eyes for more than a blink. Especially since he kept hearing strange noises.

"Oh no!" The overly dramatic loser whisper-exclaimed. "The night is pressing in on me! I – I'm scared! Somebody! Anybody! Help me! I'm so scared! I don't know what to do!"

There was a loud creak and a rustle of bedding.  
Then a loud, girlish, "EEP!"

And then Ron fainted.

In the bed next to the poor fainted boy, Harry pulled off his father's old invisibility cloak. Because he'd been out doing mysterious things again. Things which none must ever learn about. Well, almost.

'I need to talk to Draco,' thought Harry as he fell into a fitful sleep, clutching the cloak to his chest.

**The Next Morning:**

'Oh God, I'm suffocating!' Harry tried to scream, but fabric filled his open mouth. 'Oh, wait. It's only the cloak.' He threw off the cloak quickly and sat up. He sat for a few seconds thinking how wonderful it was not to suffocate, when he remembered, "I have to talk to Draco!"  
He jumped up, and adventurous, questing music played. Oh, our handsome, pajama-clad hero, ready to take on the world!

And then something happened!

A horrible scream ripped through the air! Through the stone walls! Down to the dungeons! Down to Bad Wizard Hell! Oh, would the screaming never cease!

And then it did.  
And Ron ran into the dormitory, paler than the palest pale thing you can think of! Pale with excitement! (Even though he should be red, but his hair's already red…)

"HARRY! HARRY! I SAW THE MOST AMAZING-!"

"God damn it, Ron, stop speaking in capitals, it's annoying."

"Harry! Harry!"

"What?" Harry was getting irritated. Couldn't this pale thing see that Harry had a quest to go on? His quest needed to be quested!

"Harry! Somebody's pregnant!"

"WHAT?!" (Harry conveniently forgot that speaking in CAPS was against the rules.)

Ron nodded vigorously. "I found a positive pregnancy test in the bathroom!"

"**WHAT?!**"

"I said – "

"I know what you said, I was just being properly shocked!"

"Oh! Okay!"

"I have to go!"

"Okay! I'll just go spread the word!"

"You do that! I'm leaving now!"

"Okay - !"

Neville leaned out of his bed, "Would you two please stop the fucking exclamation points?" He rolled over in his bed muttering, "Fucking idiots, all of them, I swear."

The three boys waited for a witty remark from young master Finnigan (Dean didn't dare say anything, he didn't want anyone to start hurling exclamation points at him), but he was off in the library, studying up. He was reading How to be the BEST Irish Sex God YOU Can BE! Important stuff you see.

"Well, since Seamus isn't here, I'll be going now." Harry rushed out in his pajamas.

Ron sulked out of the room sulkily, because once again Harry had left him to fend for himself. He sang quietly, "All by myself…" Until he was hit by a humongous, cactus-like plant.

"OH DEAR GOD! NO NO! NOT THE STINKSAP!"

You see, Neville had thrown his beloved _Mimbulus mimbletonia_ at the dumb red head. Because Neville was pissed off.  
Yo.

**A Random Hallway:**

"We need to talk."

"What's wrong?"

"No! We can't talk here!"

"Okay…"

"Quick! Into this conveniently placed, unoccupied, unused classroom!"

"What the - ?"

"Get in! Get in!"

"Okay, okay, now what's this all about?"

"I'm pregnant!"

**Five minutes later:**

"Did you hear?"

"No, what?"

"Someone's pregnant!"

"I hear Ronald Weasley found the test."

"How'd he know it was positive?"

"How should I know? I bet his mother's got a few lying around the house…"

"I can't believe it!"

"I know!"

"It's just so hard to believe!"

"I know!"

"It's unbelievable!"

"I know!"

"Oh my God, here they come!"

…

"Are you sure the rumors are true?"

"OF COURSE! You can't tell yet, it's too early."

"Ah, I see…"

**Dinner in the Great Hall:**

Dumbledore stood up. "It seems that I've been making far more speeches at mealtimes this year than usual. And as I don't particularly enjoy speeches, I'd like to tell you all to please stop doing stupid things. Stop, and the speeches will stop. However, seeing as you're all a bunch of morons, that's not going to happen any time soon." He took a long swig of pumpkin juice. "Anyhow, that all aside, let us turn to our latest piece of Hogwarts gossip."

"Oh no," Minerva McGonagall shielded her eyes, "the twinkling's getting brighter."

"This always happens when he's about to traumatize someone," whispered the Slytherin Sex God sexily.

The Headmaster continued, "I'm sure you've all heard the rather shocking bit of news that someone among us is pregnant. Someone named…"

"**HARRY POTTER!**"

A collective :GASP: was heard throughout the Hall.

"What the - ? Who said that? WHO? God damn it, you imbecile, I will find you and destroy you for interrupting me! Show yourself!"

"It was me, sir." An anonymous black boy stood up at the Gryffindor table.

"Who the hell are you?!"

"Well, I don't have a name, sir."

"Fine then, why did you interrupt my speech by saying such an idiotic thing?"

"Well, you see, I was important. In the Prisoner of Azkaban movie – "

"What?"

" – I had lots of lines, sir. Important ones. Like about the Grim and Sirius Black! And then POOF! It was all gone! And I – "

"Yes yes, boo hoo, cry me a river. Because you interrupted my speech you are expelled from Hogwarts. Your wand will be snapped, you will bring eternal shame on your family, and other sad things will happen. Yes. Now go! The wand snapper is outside."

The boy shuffled towards the exit.

"All right now, everyone stare at him and make him uncomfortable. Good, good. Now, feel free to shake your head disdainfully or whisper to your neighbors."

This continued until the boy was out of sight.

"Right. Well, I'm not saying that Harry Potter couldn't **become** pregnant, after all we've seen it happen to young men loads of times. But no, to my knowledge, Harry Potter is **not** pregnant. And I _am_ omniscient you know, so I'm right. Yes. Anyhow, the one who's pregnant is none other than – "

"OH MY GOD! **LOOK!**"

Another collective :GASP: was heard. And then …

"HAHAHAHAHA! MADE YOU LOOK! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

By this time good ol' Dumbledore was distinctly ruffled. His twinkle was no longer a twinkle of joy, but was now a twinkle of **rage**. "SILENCE!"

Silence followed. That angry twinkle is pretty scary.

"Thank you. Now, the pregnant person is… DRACO MALFOY! YOU PUT THAT FIRST YEAR DOWN RIGHT NOW :ahem: The occupant of Hogwarts who is currently with child is none other than… Professor Minerva McGonagall!"

Another collective :GASP: and then an "EW!"

"Which means," continued the now happily twinkling Headmaster, "I'm going to be a daddy!"

Yeah! Go Dumbledore!

A/N: Yay! Another chapter done! Woo hoo! Review review!


	13. Awakening!

**Disclaimer: I'm being totally honest when I say that I own absolutely nothing. And make no money off of anything I do, ever. Especially not off this. Because who would pay for this?! Nobody, that's who. So please, please, please, just don't sue me.**

A/N: Sorry I've been gone so long. And sorry if this isn't really up to par, but hey, it's an attempt. I just need to get back into the writing routine. I was inspired to start up again thanks to the Whomping Willows and the song "Draco and Harry" so next chapter will be very Draco and Harry lovey dovey-ness. Anyway, feel free to review if you wish. I love love love reviews.

Speaking of reviews… to my lovely reviewers: I'm soooooo sorry for abandoning you like this story… I'm terrible. Please forgive meeee.

**Chapter 13: Awakening!**

"Good Lord, woman, do you know how long I've been waiting for you?!"

I know, I know, I'm sorry. I'm a bad authoress.  
Bad. So bad. I need to be punished.

Seamus smirked before continuing to harass me.  
"Seriously, it's been over three years. Three years of absolutely nothing at all! No talking, no touching, no nothing! Just complete nothingness! Do you know what that's even like?! No, no you don't, because nobody's ever abandoned you in a castle for three years! You… I'm so mad at you."

Understandable. I'll try not to let it happen again. Now, how to get back into the swing of this? I mean, I already did that one time woosh thing in that one chapter… about… stuff.

"You can't even remember your own stupid, PLOTLESS story! What kind of author **are** you?!"

The… lazy kind? Look, stop being so snarky, Mr. Finnigan. I **do** have a life you know and –

"Yeah, so did I before you left me with NOTHING to do for three years!"

And I've been busy, buster. So get off my case, or I swear, I will write you into the kinkiest, dirtiest, most uncomfortable man on man sex I can think of.

Seamus snorted. "Psh, yeah right. What do you know about kinky man sex anyway? NOTHING. You can't scare me with your empty threats!"

Oh yeah, well, **wrong**! Just because the thought of that sort of… activity makes me blush and giggle doesn't mean that I won't do it or that I don't know how to write it! I've been reading a few things about –  
Oh shit.

He spoke with a bone chilling voice, "You have been 'reading a few things' … How interesting for you. To be reading things, while you leave me ALONE. But you are wise, and lovely, and infallible, so I will question you no longer."

Sarcasm does not become you my dear little Irish man.

He narrowed his eyes in my direction, or at least what he thought was my direction.  
He wasn't really sure, since all he could see around him was inky darkness.

_He had no idea where he was, or how long he'd even been there. All he knew was that he was alone. All alone.  
He hadn't seen a human being in, God, he couldn't even remember the last time he'd seen someone.  
He hadn't felt the warmth of human contact in what felt like forever. Hadn't heard anyone speak to him in just as long.  
Well, not anyone with a body anyway.  
Because there was always someone speaking to him.  
The Voice was always with him. He didn't know if it was a real person that would speak to him, or if his mind had just created it to save him from the constant loneliness.  
The Voice filled his head, and spoke to him.  
That was the only thing he had left in this world.  
There was only the darkness and that voi-_

"Oh, shut up! Where are you getting this nonsense?! There is no 'darkness,' you insane woman! There's just… you know, this room. That we're talking in. Oh my God, maybe I am crazy."

See?

"NO! You are **not** going to turn this story into one of those sobby bits of angst that you can't seem to get enough of."

Oh, Seamus, your words cut like a knife. Hey, wait. How'd you know about my secret love for the angst?

"You think I don't know what you've doing the past two weeks? Reading your precious 'Scrubs' fanfiction, without a thought about poor lonely Seamus."

Oh stop being such a baby. At least I'm back right? That's what's really important here. I'm back, and I'm gonna fix this and make everything all better.

"Right. So, fix this mess."

Oooh! I have it:

_Draco woke up in a cold sweat. He looked around in the darkness of the dorm, while his heart continued to hammer in his chest.  
'It was a dream,' he thought as he gulped in oxygen, 'a horrible, horrible nightma-'_

Seamus interrupted my italics yet again! "What the hell are you think? You can't can't can't can't use that tired 'it was all a dream' thing! It's so cheap. You make me feel cheap!"

"Me too."

Oh, Draco. Um, sorry to disturb you. In all your shirtless glory… It was nice of you to join us but now … go awayyyyyy…

The boy managed to say a quick "Damn it" before he disappeared.

:siiiiiigh: Mmm, shirtless Draco… Anyway, back to the task at hand. Hmmm. HMMM.

"You can't seriously be thinking **that** hard. Come on, the solution is _so very_ simple. Even Harry would know what to do. Stupid Harry, that is. Even stupid Harry would know."

Yeah, yeah, I get it you snarky Irish _thing_.

Seamus gasped and held a hand to his chest. "Oh, my pride. My precious pride, it is wounded!" and then he grinned. "No, not really. Nothing can hurt this sexy sex man's pride."

'Sexy sex man'? Wow, great description, you have such a way with words.

"Yeah, like calling me a 'thing' is any better."

Shush you, I need to think about thi-  
Oh. Oh, Seamus, I think I have it… This is going to be so so so so goooood.

"Calm down now, you don't want to oversell it, you'll just end up disappointing everyone."

Oh, true. Um… it'll be … mildly entertaining.

"Good enough."

Okay, NOW…

Suddenly, Seamus was back in the castle. Hogwarts, that is. You know the one. Anyway, he was making his way back to the Great Hall, where all the other inhabitants were still stuck in time.  
In that three year long moment when it was revealed to them, and to the world, that Dumbledore had knocked up McGonagall.  
Some of the students were stuck in mid-retch, expelling their delicious semi-digested dinner goodies everywhere. Some had fainted into whatever foodstuff they had been about to enjoy. Others just looked faintly green.  
But everyone and everything in the Hall was covered in a thick layer of dust.  
Dust which was disturbed while Seamus strode across the floor.

'Dust is my enemy,' he thought as the offending particles drifted into his nose, making him sneeze. 'Dust is evil evil evil.'

He continued on his way, silently cursing the dust and the author that had let it gather its strength to attack him. He finally stopped beside a red haired girl.

"Mmm, Ginny."

How anyone could 'mmm, Ginny' when she was covered in dust and looked like she was about to puke was really beyond me.  
Oh, look, something interesting is happening! Cue the music.  
A quiet melody began to lay in the background, crescendoing as Seamus leaned down to kiss the grimacing lips of his one true lo-

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Seamus was shocked.

Hee hee, shocked Seamus, shocked Seamus.

"Now is so incredibly **not** the time for your little alliteration jokes," he said with narrowed eyes. "I'm going to kiss her again, and it's going to work this time."

Of course, Seamus, proceed.

He leaned down, and pressed his lips against Ginevra's once again. And…

Nothing happened.  
Wow, I didn't see that coming at all. Oh wait… yeah, yeah I did.

"Damn it! What, are my lips broken?! Why isn't it working?! You, author lady, oh supreme one, whatever, just… just write it so that when I kiss her, everybody wakes up."

Nope, can't do it my good man.

"Will you do it if I say 'please'?"

I would if I could, but I can't so I won't.

"Why the hell not? You have the authorly powers to do whatever the hell you want in this God forsaken place! So just… be nice for ONCE so we can move on!"

Nope, sorry, not gonna happen. It can't be done. It has to be this way, Seamus, since the whole Sleeping Beauty thing is just _soooo_ adorable.

It looked like he was about to cry big, shiny, Irish Sex God tears. "But … why? Why isn't it working?"

Awww, Seamus. Come on, kid, you know how it goes. The spell can only be broken by True Love's Kiss.

"But, she is – Oh. Oooh. You, you're a tricky one, miss." He said, his face splitting into a wide grin.

I do what I can.

Seamus knew in his heart what he had to do. So he abandoned Ginny in the Great Hall, and made his way to the nearest restroom.  
Because as much as he liked Ginny, and of course, doing things to/with/on/in front of Ginny, he knew that kissing her would never break the spell.  
Because in all his life, he had only ever truly loved one person.  
He stopped in the restroom, his task almost complete.

"You are one sexy devil," he said before he leaned forward and pressed his lips against the cool glass of the mirror before him.

Suddenly(!) the spell was broken! And people were able to throw up as they pleased! No longer stuck in that terrifying moment!  
And that dust? Well, dust is no match for True Love's Kiss! It all went :poof: into nothingness.

Seamus grinned at his reflection, which grinned happily back. "You are one silly, silly author."

Oh, I'm well aware. Oops, forgot about something.

_**Back in the Great Hall:**_

Dumbledore and McGonagall watched the chaos that had broken out a moment before, trying to stifle their giggles.  
Dumbledore, in all his twinkling glory, called for attention once again:

"Students, students! You are all sooo gullible." He paused to chuckle. "That any of you actually _believed_ that Professor McGonagall and myself" he giggled some more "were able to even conceive is… INCONCEIVABLE!" And with that, he collapsed in a fit of giggles.

McGonagall had to turn away from his twinkling for because, as we all know, when Dumbledore giggles, his twinkling reaches dangerously high sun-like brightness.  
"Students," she managed to say through her tears and laughter, "you are truly stupid. Do I look like someone that would still be functioning in the baby producing area? I reached menopause a century ago! My God, children, your parents have done a terrible job educating you about the facts of life!" And with that, she laughed her way out of the Hall.

"Wait," a pale faced Harry said to his Gryffindor-y friends. "She isn't … with child… but she said it's because she's too old to be… not because-"

"Harry, stop, stop that mouth of yours from saying anymore." Hermione groaned out, her head in her hands, and her eyes tightly shut.

He continued like he hadn't heard her, "Not because they :gulp: didn't have dirty old people sex!"

Ron paled considerably, which seemed impossible since he was already pale from heaving his dinner out onto the floor.  
"Oh God, I'm going to throw up. Again."  
Which he did.

Because he's such a baby.

Seamus was leaning against the door frame of the Great Hall, observing his school mates finally animated after three long years.  
"You did a good job here, my lovely authoress."

You weren't too bad yourself, for a self-absorbed … Irish guy.

"Your insults keep getting better and better 'Irish thing' 'Irish guy' wow. What skill. Anyway, next time, don't wait so long that we need to resort to such drastic measures just to get things moving again."

And with that, he walked into the hall to join his friends. Friends that would never realize how he had saved them from an eternity of… nothing.  
Seamus Finnigan, the unsung hero.  
The delicious, Irish Sex God, unsung hero of yummyness.


End file.
